Our girls weekend has evolved and now a boisterous boyfriend is threatening to ruin the tradition

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

My girlfriends and I always take a big weekend trip out of state in the fall and we’ve started the planning process. For years, it was just us gals — usually four of us, though every now and then, someone would sit a weekend out because of work or life. This tradition has gone on since college, and it’s something we all look forward to.

Five years ago, one of us married, so her husband started coming along, which was fine — he’s super fun and easygoing. The rest of us have dated and sometimes brought dates, sometimes not. It’s at a point now where it’s not a matter of group discussion or approval, but more so an open door and general understanding that if we want to bring a date, we can.

The problem is my girlfriend “Megan” plans to bring her new boyfriend, “Dan.” Dan is loud, opinionated, talks over people, always has to have the last word, and loves to argue for fun — sometimes it’s like he takes an opposite opinion just to verbally fight. He’s also super cheap. He’s the guy that will order a round of shots, then magically disappear before the bill arrives. I can see that creating all kinds of issues on a trip where we all work hard to share costs.

I don’t see Megan dating him forever. I think she’s only with him because she had a super bad breakup and he showed up and gave her attention at the right time to be a rebound guy. Everyone in the group is dreading the thought of spending a weekend with Dan. But no one wants to hurt Megan’s feelings and tell her to leave him home. Is there any way to have this conversation?

Wanda says:

The problem here is you don’t really know if Dan is Megan’s Mr. Right Now or Mr. Right, and because of that, there really is no polite way to say, “Hey friend, I know every other person we’ve dated was allowed to come, but the tribal council is voting Dan off the island before arrival because we all think he sucks.” Plenty of intentionally casual relationships have morphed into more enduring and serious unions and whether you like Dan or not, he could be around a while.

So instead of focusing on banishment, perhaps shift your attention to coping mechanisms. Are there ways to engineer the weekend’s itinerary to manufacture some Dan-free space? For instance, could you book some spa time, or a gals-only brunch, so that you can have some quality time with Megan, without having to shout over her loud boyfriend?

Sometimes people like Dan — who are loud, and like to be in the middle of things, and heard — need a clear job to do, something to make them feel seen and valued. Maybe Dan is a master on the grill, or great at keeping the campfire going? Some in-advance exploratory conversations with Megan about what makes Dan happy might help him feel more comfortable and like he’s contributing and fitting in, rather than competing and standing out.

Wayne says:

Wanda, the real problem here is that the Four Amigas allowed their cherished Girls Weekend to transform into Girls + SOs/BFs/BFFs/Come One Come All Weekend. The moment that the first husband was included, the entire dynamic of this tradition unlike any other was shattered. And now these festivities have devolved to the point that the vibes of entire weekends are hinging on the personality of a dude who may or may not be around for next year’s trip. You should be focused on booking spa afternoons, dinner reservations, and stocking the rental condo with wine, not stressing about Dan doing Dan things.

Seriously, is nothing sacred anymore? Here’s an idea: Why not return Girls Weekend to Girls Weekend? Because this sure isn’t it. And here’s a cold bucket of reality for you: Sometime very soon, when most if not all of you are so deep into your careers and families, the best version of girl time you’re going to get is a few hours of convo at family barbecues, the chaos of kids birthdays, an occasional vacation overlap, and maybe a genuine Girls Weekend once every five years, at best.

So here’s your solution for Dan and every other dude who wants to be part of Girls Weekend: Cut out the boys, cut out the drama, cut out the complications, and cut loose with your ladies. Take back Girls Weekend and what’s always made this time so special: you and your ladies connecting, laughing, relaxing, and having the best time ever.