Q: My family are immigrants from East Asia. I am the older of two, by about 7.5 years. Growing up, my younger sibling’s needs always came before mine, and I was expected to accept that. For example, if there were school events for each of us that occurred simultaneously, my mother would always choose to go to my sibling’s event. If there was a last piece of candy, my sibling would get that. The other side of the coin, that the younger sibling is expected to listen to and respect the older sibling, was never reciprocated. This environment made me feel that my mother loved my sibling more than me, and it created a great rift between me and my mother. Over the years we’ve had conversations, but my mother is not capable of changing. I have learned to accept that this is who she is. I am now in my 40s.
Last year, my sibling did something to me that I felt was truly offensive. When I resisted, instead of apologizing, they got really upset with me. I have initiated several conversations afterward, and I was accused of just trying to win the fight. This has led to our estrangement.
A week ago, my mother tried to ask me to be the bigger sibling and forgive my younger sibling, because that’s what I’m supposed to do. I asked her to see my perspective, that I didn’t deserve to be treated the way my sibling treated me. I asked my mother to validate my hurt feelings, to which she replied, “I really can’t do that.” It felt like she showed the same favoritism that I experienced growing up. Although I am not surprised, it still hurts and is heartbreaking for me. I would appreciate some advice on how to move past this.
- Hurt Older Sibling
A: Estrangement and invalidation - two things you are experiencing simultaneously - are painful. There is grief associated with a relationship you didn’t or won’t have with your family. It’s an ambiguous loss, where you grieve someone who is physically alive but emotionally inaccessible. The key to processing and moving through this grief is to hold the reality of uncertainty without letting it push you into despair or suffering.
You have been constantly put in the role of keeping the peace or forgoing your own needs to make your mom and sibling happy. I encourage you to work with a professional to reflect on how your mother’s favoritism impacted your sense of self and your own mental health - because research suggests that as the less-favored child, your mental health and well-being are impacted. I do wonder how this continues to play out in your life and how this may skew conversations you’ve had with your sibling or your mom.
Remind yourself of the meaning and reasoning behind your choices to set these boundaries with your mom and pursue distance from your sibling. This will help you affirm your own needs. Remember: Your mom wants you to reconcile with your sibling for her. She’s operating from her own understanding of what family is supposed to be and she may struggle to manage her discomfort around her kids being estranged. It’s not your responsibility to manage those feelings for her.
Even if you don’t want to open another conversation with your mom about her favoritism, you can stay firm in what you need right now - i.e., “I am in a lot of pain, and this distance from [sibling] is the best thing for me right now.” You can also be empathetic to her pain - i.e., “I know that this is hard for you” - if that feels right to you. You can tell your mom to stop asking about your relationship with your sibling or simply stop the conversation from going further by saying something like, “I would appreciate it if you stopped bringing this up.” You’ll have to decide what behavioral or verbal boundaries you want to put in place to protect your peace and refuse a guilt trip from your mom.
Focus on taking care of yourself by creating a found family and finding ways to validate your own feelings and needs that aren’t being met by your family. You may even find a safe relationship where you can be honest about this experience to help you feel connected to someone who will validate your feelings.
Ultimately, you can decide how you want to engage or disengage with your mom. No matter how painful it is, you can never force someone else to want to do the work for themselves - even if you desperately want them to. You can only be honest with yourself about managing your own unresolved feelings and experiences, how you process and communicate them, and what you can do to take care of your needs.