DEAR MISS MANNERS: When is it OK to consider a “goodbye” finished? When does a goodbye have to be followed by waving, and for how long?
After we’ve said goodbye in the parking lot and the other person begins to drive away, do I have to wave again as they drive by, waving at me? Or can I turn my back and focus on getting into my own car? Some people seem to think it’s rude if I don’t wave as they drive past me.
If guests are leaving our house and we say goodbye at the door, do we have to stand there waving and calling out more goodbyes while they get in their car, so as not to close the door behind them and possibly look like we are happy for them to be gone? Do we have to wave while they drive away, or can we start putting the dishes into the dishwasher?
What if guests are leaving after a long stay with us -- do I have to stand and wave until they are out of sight, as some family members expect?
If we are the ones leaving, do we (or the kids) have to wave out the back window until we round the corner? It seems rude to turn away from people who are waving or watching, but in each of these scenarios, we already said a warm goodbye. When can we just turn away and do whatever we need to do next?
GENTLE READER: Still there? Ah. Well, then, the answer is that after you’ve said a proper goodbye, you can leave, turn away, do the dishes, go to bed, whatever.
But you have to be decisive. If you remain standing at the window -- or even peek through the shades -- then Miss Manners concedes that you have to continue to acknowledge your departing guests.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When sleeping at someone else’s house, should one flush the toilet in the middle of the night? Does it matter if the bedroom doors are all closed or not? I sometimes have to go several times.
GENTLE READER: There is, no doubt, a long thought process there -- thin walls, noise, light sleepers, a medical condition Miss Manners has not yet heard of, about which someone would like to enlighten her. But as we would all like to go back to sleep, she will hastily assure you that you may flush after each use.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Four couples go out for dinner, all sitting at one table. One of the men has impeccable manners; the other three, somewhat less.
The significant other of the man with manners excuses herself from the table, and the man does not rise and assist with the chair, nor does he assist upon her return.
A private discussion ensues later about this. The subject woman is furious. The subject man explains: “Yes, I acknowledge the failure, but I did not want to embarrass our friends by exhibiting proper manners and calling attention to their failure to do so. Exhibiting manners should never serve to embarrass others in a public setting.”
GENTLE READER: Nice try. Miss Manners is siding with your wife. You should have exhibited your excellent manners (if you do say so yourself), which cannot reasonably be interpreted as a criticism of anyone else.