Dear Meghan: My almost 5-year-old has been coming home and talking to me more frequently about a particular classmate. They have been good friends, but she’s mentioned several instances of hurt feelings. For example, he has commented on her physical appearance and told another friend to say they hate my kid and another girl. Lots of boys vs. girl stuff is going on.
What would you do here? I’m sure she’s not innocent in all this (they are 5!). How do you talk to your young kid about this in a way that’s supportive and with teachers about this in a way that’s collaborative? I’m a bit sad that all this is already happening!
- School Beef
School Beef: Thank you for writing in; I have clear memories of my first child coming home from preschool with stories full of hurt, injustice and flat-out meanness. Despite knowing better, I was shocked that someone could be unkind to my special flower of a child, but alas, this is life. Every human gets their turn to be mean and to be the target of the meanness.
You are wise to recognize that your daughter is not faultless, even if it isn’t useful to categorize the children’s behavior into “innocent” and “guilty” labels. Five-year-olds are all over the place, developmentally and emotionally speaking. You will find some who communicate with the wisdom of Yoda, while other 5-year-olds struggle with any level of vulnerability. Sensitivities also differ wildly. Some children bounce back from insults and slights, whereas others seem to take the shots right to the heart.
Your safest first step is to advocate for all the children through the school. Call the teacher and say, “Simon and Janet are exchanging some mean phrases; have you seen anything? Can you keep your eyes and ears peeled for anything that seems over the line?” Teachers of young children see most of the shenanigans, but there is a chance that they aren’t catching the exchanges. The teachers are truly your only route toward helping the kids. You can also say: “Janet is reporting comments being made about her appearance. I know they are young, and there may be a back and forth happening here; would you mind giving me a head’s up if you see anything?” Most schools will stop the comments about others’ appearances as soon as they hear it, but it is worth emailing or asking to come in. Keep the conversation with the teacher more curious and non-accusatory. Ask if there is anything you can do to help at home.
As the teacher handles the classroom, you can work on responding to your kid’s complaints in a way that centers her feelings. If your almost 5-year-old comes home and says, “Simon is mean,” and you respond, “We don’t speak like that, that’s not nice,” the child learns to not share her emotions with her parents. If your child comes home with “Simon is mean,” and you pour a cup of tea and say, “Tell me every single thing that he said to you, when and where,” and begin a CSI-level investigation, you are still teaching your child that her feelings don’t matter because that’s not what’s being discussed. The middle way is listening and reflecting back the emotions that are behind the details. As you have stated, the details will be murky (at best), but every child feels better when their parent can listen, reflect back and love them through it (without needlessly amplifying the drama of the who-what-why-when).
When your daughter comes home with her tales of woe, listen carefully. When she seems to be finished with her story, pull out a feelings wheel and say: “I heard some sadness, anger and fear in there. What do you think?” The wheel you use depends on your child’s development and access to her emotions. Start small and then move up to more sophisticated wheels. These are excellent jumping off points for your child to clarify her emotions, which will help her slow down, reflect and own her experience more. The better a child can access naming an emotion, the more likely they can cry about what hurts them. This is true resilience. When we can fully feel an emotion, it stops taking up space and the child grows up to be a human who reacts less and responds more.
It might be tempting to give your kid specific ways to respond to these mean comments, but 4- and 5-year-olds are simply too young to remember to advocate for themselves. When we coach them to “stick up for themselves” or deliver scripts, their young brains cannot hold onto that instruction in the moment of upset. You can use things like TV shows and books where their favorite characters say “no” and walk away as jumping off points for wider conversations. You can also “play” at fighting and have the child say, “no” or “stop” and walk away. But this needs to be built into everyday life in your family. Take a cue from teachers. With daily repetition, song and movement, they teach children scripts and actions; you can do that, too!
If you feel like you need more help with emotion coaching, don’t be afraid to sign up for a parenting class or find a parenting coach to support you. Many of us weren’t raised with these skills ourselves and teaching them can feel like speaking in a second language. Emotion coaching takes lots of practice, failure and some smart persistence; it’s a lifelong practice. Good luck.