DEAR MISS MANNERS: I received an invitation to the wedding of a colleague’s child. Every piece of correspondence noted, “This is a black-tie affair. Please dress accordingly.”
My husband finally borrowed a tuxedo from a friend, but not without multitudinous complaints about how pretentious it was and how uncomfortable he was in the tuxedo that I was “making him wear.” (Honestly, he is in his 60s; he’s not 9 years old.)
We arrived at the wedding to find that not even the father of the bride was in black tie. He had a beautiful suit, but it was not a tuxedo. The groom and his best man wore regular black suits with long black ties and white shirts (not tuxedo shirts).
Everyone else of the male persuasion at the wedding was in either sport jackets with khaki slacks or in suits -- not black tie, at least not the way I would have defined it. The women were in formal gowns, so at least half of us listened.
Now I need to ask: What, exactly, does “black tie” mean these days, if not a tuxedo? My husband is STILL complaining about this. Sigh.
GENTLE READER: Double sigh. Couples should not use terms they do not understand -- and don’t follow themselves -- with people who do not understand them, either, and will not follow them.
As to your husband, Miss Manners hopes that telling him how dashing he looked will flatter the child in him.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I were waiting for our order inside a fast-food establishment, I noticed an elderly man getting ready to leave. He was by himself, and was trying to figure out how to pick up his tray filled with the empty wrappers from his meal while using a cane.
I saw him struggle for a moment, then I went over to him and gently grasped the tray and told him, “I’ve got this.”
He said he had it, and, not expecting him to protest, I repeated it and took the tray. He silently left and I took care of it. Immediately afterwards, I realized even though I was trying to be helpful, I don’t think I went about it the right way. I’m afraid I might’ve insulted him.
GENTLE READER: You did insult him -- by assuming that you knew better and by ignoring his stated preference. But Miss Manners understands that you were trying to be helpful, and does not wish to discourage you from being so in the future.
The proper approach is to ask if you may help -- and then to abide by the response.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend passes out her business cards everywhere she goes. Restaurants, movies, department stores, plays. It embarrasses me. Is this good manners?
GENTLE READER: No, this is salesmanship. Miss Manners suggests seeing your friend when she is off-duty.