Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I dated “Chris” for a few months. I wanted to be exclusive but he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Even though he said that, he acted like my boyfriend. He spent the night a lot. He introduced me to friends. He took me on some truly special dates — and it had been a long time since a guy had gone to that level of effort. It is seriously so hard these days to find someone who actually wants a relationship or even wants to go out and do things, and doesn’t just want to hook up when it’s convenient. So even though he said he wasn’t ready for anything serious, I admit that I was hopeful he might change his mind because his actions seemed to speak louder than his words.
I know I was putting out girlfriend vibes. He reminded me more than once he didn’t intend to “be a boyfriend.” A few months in, he broke things off. He said he could tell I was taking the relationship too seriously and it would be best to just end things before they got too messy and I got too hurt. Since then, he has continued to text. I kept replying — I can’t help it, I like the guy. He kept being flirtations and I reciprocated. I wasn’t seeing anyone else while we were hanging out (not my style) and my feelings haven’t gone away.
The other night, it was late and we were texting, and he asked if I was lonely, and when I said yes, he said he’d come over, and I said OK. Next thing I know he’s at my house, and well, he spent the night. But he left first thing in the morning without so much as a kiss. He practically fist-bumped me on the way out the door.
I’ve continued to hear from him since then, and a couple of times he’s mentioned how much fun he had and said we should “do it again soon.” I feel disappointed and confused. I really like him and I feel like the next time he suggests we meet up, I’ll say yes. But I know I want more. What should I do?
Wanda says:
Hook-up culture is a real beast to navigate, especially when we catch feelings. Common sense would suggest we date around and keep it casual until we find someone we want to get serious with — which you did. But in an era of options, electronic connectivity, and real-time meet-ups, there are plenty of people content to keep on looking, and looking, and looking. Sexual gluttony is real, the ego is an incredibly powerful thing, and when people get addicted to the rush of newness and novelty, monogamy can be a hard sell.
You know who does want monogamy? People looking for relationships. Trust me, it may feel like you’re hunting unicorns, but they’re out there. Your boy toy isn’t in that headspace. He’s probably stoked your (bedroom) door remains open for late-night fun — but let’s be real, that’s not what you want, and while it may be thrilling and validating in the moment, it’s a ticket to your long-term self-doubt, misery and loneliness.
So quite literally, close this door, and move along. You can do so without burning bridges and blocking his number, but if your resolve is weak, there’s nothing wrong with doing the latter if it’s going to save you from bad late-night choices. Now is a time for setting and sticking to your boundaries and prioritizing yourself and your future.
Wayne says:
So, you’re feeling some type of way because Chris woke up, got dressed and went on with his life after another episode in what is now a series of consensual sexcapades hosted by you. What did you expect, an engagement ring? A grand declaration of love? A sudden change of heart?
You’re clearly hearing Chris because you repeated his words to us numerous times in your note, but you aren’t listening to him. Maybe it will get through if you read it in print: Chris is not looking for anything serious — anything. He wants no-strings-attached dating – no strings. He does not want a girlfriend, including you — I know, not even you.
Sure, Chris is a horn dog and he really does like hanging out and sleeping with you. At least he’s honest, upfront and treats you well. You should feel fortunate, not frustrated. Do you even read our column? So many dating slimeballs out there cheating, lying, manipulating, catfishing and ghosting.
Meanwhile, Chris seems like a genuinely decent, fun guy who just isn’t ready to settle down. Bummer timing, I know, but stop taking it personally, especially since you are a willing participant in a scenario you say you don’t want to be in. Either stick to your guns on this and cut Chris out entirely, or just chill out, fill your slow times with Chris knowing that it is what it is, and continue seeking something serious.