Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’m part of a close work team that regularly travels around Alaska together for all-day work or sometimes overnight trips. We’re all about the same age (let’s say “youngish”), close knit, and hardworking. On overnight trips, we almost always grab drinks and dinner following a long day.
There’s one woman in our group that I particularly click with. We just have really similar senses of humor, and she’s always game to get together after a long shift. I feel like on this recent trip, some dynamic between us shifted. The others had gone home; we stayed out. The conversation was more personal than normal. When we finished our drinks, she suggested I come to her room for one more.
She knows I have a girlfriend. I know she’s seeing someone. Still, this felt like an invite to something more. I declined and made a joke about being old. When we said good night in the lobby, she caught me by surprise by kissing me on the cheek.
Now I feel weird and kind of horrible. At work everything is normal, but I definitely feel like she was making a move and I’m afraid to say anything to anyone — to her, our boss, my girlfriend, anyone. Ultimately I think it’s best to keep the secret and move on. What good could come out of sharing it? But I’m also worried about our next work trip in six weeks. Will she try something again? What should my next step be?
Wanda says:
Ever heard of a “work spouse”? Google it — it’s a thing. Basically a “work wife” or “work husband” is someone you might otherwise be sexually attracted to but in this case is a professional kindred spirit. It’s someone you can confide in, vent to, laugh with, and otherwise connect with.
Having this relationship can be incredibly valuable, especially when a job requires long hours and time on the road. It can also be risky. It’s all too easy to give or get the wrong idea and boundaries can get blurry really fast.
You’ll be traveling with your co-worker again. The only way to avoid confusion moving forward is real talk. The alternative — keeping quiet — could lead to more complications. Have a candid conversation and explain that because you appreciate her as a sounding board and friend, you need to set social boundaries for both of you to protect that friendship. No doubt she’ll have opinions on the matter, so also be prepared to listen.
Wayne says:
Why do people always have to make life complicated? And now that it seems like everything remains “normal” at work and she’s acting like nothing happened, it’s on you to clean up, or clear up, the mess before it gets messier.
I’m with Wanda about talking to your co-worker about boundaries, and hopefully she gets it. Though even if she is apologetic, I’d take things a step further and start being proactive about not putting yourself in situations where something like this can happen again. Drinks with the team? Great. One more drink with her after everyone else is gone? Nope. Talking about work with her? Sure. Talking about your lives and relationships with her? That’s what you have real friends for. Working hard with her? Yes. Playing hard with her? No.
Look, this is your career and professional life. And while it is a really nice benefit to have cool co-workers and supervisors among your work team, especially when that work is demanding and stressful, it’s even better to have a stable, happy, anxiety-free life away from work. Create and enforce your boundaries at work moving forward and hopefully you can have the best of a work-life balance.
[The benefits and potential pitfalls of a ‘work spouse’]
[Wayne and Wanda: Why do I feel jealous of my boyfriend’s close friendship with another woman?]
[Miss Manners: How can I stop myself from referring to my co-workers as ‘girls’?]