Dear Meghan: For about a year now, our 3-year-old daughter has expressed an extreme preference for her mom when both parents are present. When her dad tries to care for her or even speak to her, she will yell at him, close doors on him and throw a tantrum for only Mom to help her. She will say she does not love or like her dad. We try to hold boundaries on Dad helping, and we talk a lot about being kind to him, but sometimes it’s just easier for Mom to handle her to keep the peace.
When it’s just her and her dad, she’s extremely loving and will accept his help. When Dad is away, kid will talk about missing and loving her dad. For what it’s worth, our parenting styles are different. Mom gives a lot of validation and hugs when kid is upset; Dad often tries to teach lessons and show cause and effect. Both try to hold boundaries, but Dad is probably more consistent.
It seems like this boils down to a toddler’s demand for control, but it is making all of us miserable. I thought it would be a phase, but it has not changed in at least a year. What can we do differently? We hate this.
- Dad vs. daughter
Dad vs. daughter: Thanks for this letter; you are certainly not alone in struggling with a child who has a strong preference for one parent over another. And while this preference can be a part of typical development, you are beginning to see what can happen when a little annoyance begins to grow into some more problematic behaviors.
You are encountering two overlapping developmental milestones. First, your daughter developed a preference for her mom because it’s natural; 3-year-olds cannot have many deep attachments all at once. Their brains are set up for one thing at a time: one big feeling, one main attachment, etc. This doesn’t mean that they aren’t attached to others, it just takes time to warm up to them - for some children, this takes longer than others - and “switch” to this person. This is why a 2-year-old may cling to their mom for a bit, and then slowly warm up to their dad or grandparent as time passes. This usually passes as the child matures and is able to feel safe with more people more quickly. Secondly, 3 is a time of intense growth as well as flashes of strong individuation. It can feel like “sass” or bad behavior, but it’s a healthy willpower emerging. This developmental stage is also calling the parent to step into holding firm and friendly boundaries, which brings us to your situation.
You mention that, when the struggles get bad, “it’s just easier for Mom to handle her to keep the peace.” Believe me, I get it. You have places to be and things to do, and you can’t spend all of your waking hours getting a 3-year-old to cooperate with her dad. However, every time Mom gives in to her daughter’s tantrums, strong words or slammed doors, she is unintentionally making this behavior worse.
I’m not suggesting fighting this battle 24/7, but to see more cooperation, Mom needs to make herself scarce when Dad is doing the parenting. Resist rescuing, saving and jumping in as it hurts Dad’s authority and incorrectly empowers your daughter to call the shots.
When you say, “Dad often tries to teach lessons and show cause and effect,” is this code for “Dad punishes and shames the child for bad behavior”? Is he resorting to spanking, yelling, threatening to take something away and using harsh tones and volumes? If the 3-year-old is experiencing the early twinges of shame with Dad, she may be even more resistant to spending time with him (even as she still loves and misses him when he’s gone).
Holding boundaries has little to do with punishment or hugging; it has everything to do with allowing and welcoming your child’s big feelings while they work through their frustration and anger. Holding boundaries when your children are young is also solely the parents’ work. What are you willing to stop doing? What are you willing to commit to changing? A preschooler is too immature to be responsible for creating and upholding the boundary, though they are absolutely capable of rapid change.
I invite both of you to look at your boundaries: What limits are you holding and when? What are appropriate boundaries for this age, and what is appropriate communication for this age? Three-year-olds learn through play, repetition, routine and other sensory cues. For instance, if Dad takes over bedtime and the boundary is that Mom is not going to take over when the crying begins, the play is pretending to be an animal getting ready for bed, the visuals will be a little bedtime chart you make together with stickers. The boundary Dad will keep is not resting on logic, consequences or learning lessons to move the night along. As you repeat this routine, the 3-year-old quickly learns that this is the new way and adapts. If Dad takes care to not be unnecessarily harsh, your daughter will more quickly enjoy this change.
Whether you pick up some books (I recommend Janet Lansbury, Deborah MacNamara or my book) or hire a parent coach, working out this dynamic will have immediate effects and will help you reframe your child’s behavioral needs. You are stuck in a pattern, but you can move out of this fairly quickly with some persistence, patience and compassion. Good luck.