Hi Meghan: I’m a mom of three kids: a 15-year-old son, and 11-year-old and 7-year-old daughters. My son is having an increasingly hard time handling annoyances from his youngest sister. She is in a challenging phase, for sure, wanting a lot of attention, singing, dancing, cartwheeling, etc., and it can get annoying. But the way he handles it is a problem.
He will often jump straight to snapping at her the minute she enters the room or says a word, and it quickly escalates to him saying mean things to her. I know he feels like she is interrupting - his time with us, his developing sense of self, his conversations - and like he’s not getting what he needs.
We talked with him about how we can make sure that she knows not to interrupt, that we have one-on-one time together doing teen-appropriate things and that we understand his feelings. But we’ve also said that despite feeling annoyed, he cannot be cruel to her. It’s just like when they were toddlers and we had to teach them how it was okay to feel angry but not to hit. But it doesn’t stick. It is SUCH a button pusher for me and my husband and is leading to a lot of fights and tension. Any thoughts?
— Sibling War
Sibling War: I am going to be honest: My first thought was that the 7-year-old needs more of the support to behave in a less annoying way. Why is it okay for your youngest to consistently cartwheel into conversations and interrupt? If I were your teen son, I would be angry, too. Every child has the reasonable right to speak without interruption. And if I am reading this right, many members of the family are stuck in reaction. Your daughter pushes your son’s buttons, and he reacts. His reaction pushes your buttons, and you react. You need to create and uphold clearer plans to move into reasonable responses instead.
Some questions I have: Does your daughter have some executive functioning or other sensory or attention issues not mentioned? Meaning, she may have been told (multiple times) to stop interrupting, but her brain doesn’t follow through - leading to interruption after interruption. Is it that the youngest gets babied and has fewer expectations made of her, even though she may be ready for them? Is your son more explosive for other reasons? Other than hormones, is there a history of mental health issues? It is important that all of these factors are considered because they can change the necessary solutions.
As for what is working, I hear clear thinking and many good ideas in this letter. You are aware that your son is in a key place of development and wants one-on-one time. What we need now is action. It sounds like all of your children need one-on-one attention (yes, including the 11-year-old, poor second-born children). Call a meeting with all of the children, pull out a calendar and begin to plan out special time with each of them. Without being overly rigid, write out what the special time looks like. “When we meet with Isaiah (big brother) on this day and time, both siblings can [provide options].” This is a collaborative process; the more the kids contribute, the more likely you are to get cooperation.
Part of this process is also making your expectations crystal clear. “When Isaiah is with us, Ruby, you will be watching a show. If you interrupt, we will place you back into the TV room and talk with you when we are ready.” Be prepared for your youngest to agree, then go about the usual shenanigans. Follow through with what you said you would do. It may take some time and repetition for her brain to learn the boundary, but it is a worthwhile venture. Again, it must be appropriate for her developmental needs. Don’t place expectations on any of your children that they don’t have a chance of meeting, so this may take some trial and error.
Your 15-year-old son will also (hopefully) appreciate the boundaries you are creating. Based on what you wrote, your son may have more weighing on him than we know, and this anger is coming out sideways on his little sister. These boundaries will make him more comfortable at home, and he may surprise you and open up about other things bothering him as a result. You can also get curious with your son about his feelings toward his sister. You can say, “We are not going to allow you to speak unkindly to her when she comes into the room, and we also understand how annoying it is to be interrupted.”
It is important to remember that the job of holding the boundary is yours, not your son’s. If he feels like you are holding the rules, his aggression is likely to calm down. If his aggression doesn’t resolve, that would point you toward looking more deeply at his emotional life.
Teens do usually need more time to open up, and planning a getaway with just him could help speed things up. Visit colleges early or take a road trip to see a relative or friend; the space and time a road trip gives a teen and parent is irreplaceable. Your undivided attention will feel like a balm to him. If a road trip is too much, meals out, walks or other activities involving movement will do the trick. Just be sure to plan this with each child in a way that fits your family and their unique needs.
Remember: In the absence of strong leadership (yours), the children will fill the void. By bringing order to how people interact with each other, you are helping your family now as well as providing them skills to work with others in the future. The goal is to move from reaction to response. Good luck.