Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been seeing “Gina” for several months now. It’s the first serious relationship for both of us in a while, so we’ve been taking it slow and we aren’t in any rush.
We’ve both been candid and open about past relationships. Gina was with a guy for several years, and she was cheated on, and it ended the relationship. My situation was a little more messy. My girlfriend at the time cheated on me. After a break, I gave the relationship another shot. But the trust was broken, and I ended up cheating on her — it was so out of character for me, and I felt horrible about it, and who knows, maybe I was retaliating? Either way, that relationship ended a few years ago and I vowed to never be unfaithful again.
So here we are, and Gina has asked me if we can share each other’s locations on our phones. This was a foreign concept to me — I had to Google it. She’s asking to be able to see on a map where I am at all times, and vice versa. Why does she need a tracking device unless she doesn’t trust me? She says she trusts me completely, and I don’t know if I believe her. After I shared that I’d cheated before, she gave off some weird vibes.
Either way, sharing my location seems like overkill. She says it isn’t a big deal if I am trustworthy and said she shares her location with a bunch of her friends and it’s perfectly normal. Am I just out of touch to think this is weird?
Wanda says:
Location sharing has its purpose. It’s a great way to track one’s kids, link to a group when traveling together, or keep your spouse from texting every five minutes to see when dinner should be put on the table. I have one girlfriend who out of habit shares her location with me when she’s traveling alone, as a backup security measure, which I think is smart.
It also borders on voyeurism. Do we need to know where someone is all the time? Are we so ultra-connected in this ever-advancing world of technology that we’ve lost touch with normalcy and boundaries and just basic privacy? Per my examples above, location sharing makes sense if it supports safety or logistics.
Beyond that, it is just another way to keep tabs on someone. And if you and Gina aren’t living together, and are indeed taking it slow, this seems like a step to consider in the future, or on a case-specific basis, but hardly a feature you need to activate to support your current status. Gina might be suspicious of your motives for denying her request, but it’s not a reasonable ask given the early days of your relationship.
Wayne says:
Well, yes, you are a little out of touch, but that’s a technology issue. And I appreciate your initial knee-jerk reaction to protecting your privacy and maintaining some semblance of independence in a world where it seems we’re always being tracked and spied on.
For someone else in a similar situation, this could certainly be some early relationship overreach or maybe even a red flag of a controlling personality. But in your case, location sharing is the perfect next step forward in a delicate, slow-moving relationship between two people with serious trust (and cheating) issues.
And if you’re now truly faithful, honest, transparent and committed, what do you have to hide anyway? Who cares if she sees that you’re spending an hour in the massage chair and tanning booth area of the gym instead of on the treadmill aisle?
Consider this a small compromise or sacrifice to show that you have nothing to hide from her and you want to earn, and deserve, her full trust. And really, it’s a two-way tool; she wants to show that you can trust her, too.
[Wayne and Wanda: My budding romance has been a fantasy. How do I bring it into reality?]
[Wayne and Wanda: I’m dating a great guy, but my history is making me insecure]
[Wayne and Wanda: I’m dating a woman who says I’m not her ‘type’]