Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My boyfriend and I are gearing up for our first international trip together, and it’s the first one for both of us. While I’m excited about the adventure ahead, I’m finding myself slightly overwhelmed by his meticulous planning.
My boyfriend isn’t typically one to plan out every detail of our dates and weekends. He’s more of a “go with the flow” kind of guy, which is one of the things I love about him. However, as our trip approaches, he’s been busy making lots of plans and reservations and building detailed itineraries, leaving me feeling a tad out of my comfort zone, not to mention left out in general.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate his effort and enthusiasm, and it’s sweet to see he cares so much. But I also value spontaneity and the freedom to explore without a strict schedule weighing us down.
We’re both in our 20s, and I believe this trip should be about creating unforgettable memories together, not adhering to a rigid timetable. I’m not sure how to broach this topic with him without dampening his excitement or causing any tension between us. How can I communicate my desire for a more open and flexible approach to our travels without sounding ungrateful or dismissive?
Wanda says:
International trips are such an exciting and effective way to know our partners on a deeper level. No matter your destination, you’re bound to see incredible sights, taste tantalizing things, and return home with loads of memories and selfies.
International travel is also challenging. You’ll negotiate language and cultural barriers and miscues, confusing transportation systems, different currencies and exchange rates — all while trying to be sure you have a good time and don’t stress out and take it out on each other. It’s easy to lose precious hours of vacation time — and patience — while navigating these potential roadblocks.
So consider that, and consider this: There’s a happy medium heading into this trip that will appease you both. His planning will go a long way in providing some structure and daily anchors to keep you on track. His pre-work could save you from duds and dead ends.
Meanwhile, your more free-spirited approach can temper schedule overload and maintain space for unexpected adventure. This is an easy compromise. Tell him you truly appreciate the work and passion, and suggest you leave generous blocks of time each day for exploration.
Wayne says:
You’ve got two tickets to paradise, yet you’re on a one-way flight to Anxietyville. I appreciate the overplanning and overthinking and everything else because all of this is so new and exciting: the relationship, the first trip together, the first international trip for both of you, the planning leading up to the trip, and all of the logistics and things to worry about. But that is all taking away from what is truly significant about this trip. So I have two simple asks for you:
One: Don’t lose sight of the one big thing here: This should be about you two taking your first big adventure together. Making it through this time with your relationship and respective sanities intact — and ideally with you two having a closer connection than ever — is what will ultimately make this a success. Everything else is a bonus. Everything. Sightseeing. Dinner reservations. Flight connections. Romantic surprises. Hot tubs and pools. Laminated daily itineraries. Take a step back from all of that and remind yourself and your BF that this is about being together just you two, doing something big, exciting and new, being close and intimate and a team, and that should take a little pressure off of both of you, while also giving you a clearer perspective on the overrated importance of planning.
Two: OK, some planning in travel is important. And yes, both people should have some say in that planning, even if for one person that means not planning every single thing. So thank him for trying to make this the best trip ever, but also remind him that if he wants to become a long-term frequent flyer with you, he needs to also understand what makes travel and time together special for you. And that’s simply time together without a clock ticking, without what’s next, but instead just being in the moment.
Bon voyage. Enjoy every second! (And don’t forget your passports, rookies!)
[My BF and I got along great — until we went on vacation]
[What to know as Alaska Airlines unveils new initiatives and changes to rewards programs]
[9 essential rules for packing a carry-on]
[Wayne and Wanda: My fiance is in debt, and we can’t agree on how to move forward financially]