DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am a 50-year-old man who works in a field where the majority of staff are women. I am in management and find myself referring to staff as “girls” in conversations with peers and leadership above me.
I realize the term is not appropriate, and is in fact demeaning to the hardworking staff in our organization. Once I catch myself, I become flustered and quickly correct myself to the person I’m speaking with, but I can tell from their reaction and body language that they either feel my lengthy correction is awkward or disingenuous.
How should I handle these situations in the future? Should I try to apologize for my mistake in referring to staff as “girls,” and if so, what would be the best way to do this? I am working very, very hard to break this horrible habit and do better.
GENTLE READER: Work harder. You learned not to put your hand on a hot stove at a young age and still rose to the level of a manager -- this cannot be so very difficult.
If you agree to do that, Miss Manners will tell you how to repair the damage done, which is to apologize with enough sincerity and frequency that you understand your female co-workers’ feelings of humiliation.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How does one respond to this comment: “My opinion of you just went up two notches,” followed by the reason the speaker’s opinion went up?
Is the receiver of the elevated opinion supposed to be grateful? To me, the statement is filled with condescension and snobbery, implying a lower status to the receiver.
I am flabbergasted when the line is delivered to me! What say ye?
GENTLE READER: That rather than suppose the speaker’s opinion started low, it must now seem impossibly high. Miss Manners encourages you to assume as much, saying, “Well, I’m glad that I could exceed your already lofty expectations.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently realized that I may be doing something a little too much: saying “thanks.” When the hostess brought us to our table, I said thanks. When she handed us our menu, I said thanks. When a server brought us water, I said thanks; when the same server dropped off the bread, I said thanks. After we ordered and the waitress took our menus, I said thanks.
And so on as the drinks, appetizers, meal, desserts and bill were presented. I realized how many times I was saying thanks, although not always to the same person. Is this overdoing it? Would once to each person have been sufficient?
GENTLE READER: If you thanked someone after you chewed and swallowed each bite of your meal, yes, you overdid it -- but perhaps this all sounds repetitive only when an hour-long activity is condensed into one paragraph.
Miss Manners agrees you could have omitted a thanks here or there without being rude, but she does not agree to a strict one-per-customer (or, in this case, one-per-server) policy.