Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend “Jake” for about a year. I’ve known Jake for years and I’ve always known he was super ambitious. In fact it attracted me to him. I also really love my career and am proud of my work and educational background. I figured this would be something that would connect us.
But frankly, the pandemic really changed how I feel about my time. Long work hours, late nights at the office, and extensive business trips no longer appeal to me whereas once, I just found that a normal way to live. Now I treasure my personal time, dive deeper into my hobbies, and set more professional boundaries.
Jake’s career has only gotten crazier and busier since we started dating — and he thrives in that. He’s living the life I used to have before I took a step back. For the sake of our relationship, I would rather he end his day at 5 p.m. and spend quality time with me, not work weekends, and not leap at every chance to hop on a plane.
The few times I’ve brought it up, and suggested he work less and spend more time on us, he’s gotten very defensive. He says I knew what I was getting into when we started dating — which isn’t untrue, but I suppose I did think his priorities would and should shift as our relationship got more serious. Instead, he’s just gotten busier.
He generally thinks I’m overreacting but I’m worried this division is too big to overcome. What should I do?
Wanda says:
For couples, balancing career aspirations with personal life goals is a common struggle, particularly as we move through our 30s and 40s when professional responsibilities often intensify. This is also a time when we really start settling into values and principles that inform the remainder of our lives.
You were tracking toward a life largely defined by your career but pulled back into a life where you do your job well but also make space for your activities and interests. You have all the time in the world — after 5 p.m. and on weekends, that is — to commit to a relationship. Jake does not. He has time, sure. Just not as much as you. Long work hours, business travel, and tight deadlines take time and energy from meaningful interactions with partners.
But this doesn’t mean everyone with a busy career is a terrible significant other. On the contrary, hard workers like Jake are often masters of time management and squeezing all the potential out of every hour of every day. They’re also overachievers who thrive on challenges and respond well when given specific assignments.
Here’s your assignment: Tell Jake what you need to be happy. Make tangible and clear requests — for example, you want him to come home at 5 p.m. twice per week, or you want him to clear his Sundays for couple time. Be specific, be reasonable, and give him a chance to show you he can deliver.
Wayne says:
Spoken like a true overachiever, Wanda.
However, to our once-career-crazy letter writer, I believe it’s you who needs to be more flexible with the expectations of your busy boyfriend, Jake, not the other way around. It was Jake’s hustle that drew you to him, and likely your mutual blurry-business-and-jetsetting lifestyles that sealed the romantic deal.
And now just because you’ve decided to put more life into your work-life balance doesn’t mean Jake should be pressured to or even can. He’s obviously wired for his work and loves it. And sure, if he really loves you and you make a meaningful case, he’ll likely carve out more time and energy for the relationship. But if you love him, you should also consider easing off your demands for major change and remember where your mind was a few short years ago. Ambitions and advancement. Conferences and cash flow.
Good luck getting Jake off that fast track this fiscal year. He’s driven and focused. Even if he’s ready to slow down or nearing burnout, he’s been on this train so long that if you push or pull on him too hard, he’s likely to cancel this merger rather than just stop on a romantic whim. Of course, if you’re 100% set on finding a partner who better aligns with your new life and outlook, go for it. Just don’t expect it to be Jake. If you want Jake, you should take him as he is.
[Work-related travel has strained our relationship. How do we fix it?]
[A lot of what I do at my new job is confidential. My boyfriend wants to hear all about it.]