DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a couple of friends who text me infrequently. Their texts are always things like, “You home?” “Whatcha doing?” “You busy?”
I never know how to respond. If I say “Yes, I’m home” or “I’m doing nothing,” they then ask if I want to get together for a drink. Since they have already established that I am not busy, it seems rude if I say no. But if I say “Why?” when they ask if I’m busy, that also seems rude on my part.
What do you suggest? How can I politely respond while indicating I’d like to know what the real question is? I like these friends, and do enjoy a drink, but I’d prefer to be asked, “Hey, want to go get a drink?”
GENTLE READER: Just because you are home does not mean that you are doing nothing. If you want to arm yourself with an excuse proactively, Miss Manners suggests responding with “reading,” “cleaning” or “washing my hair,” as the case may be -- or an all-purpose “catching up” or “winding down.”
If those do not deter your spontaneous friends, “I’m in for the evening, but would love to make plans for another day” is also valid.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I often socialize with a wide range of friends and acquaintances without my husband -- and the father of our children -- present. If the person I’m chatting with doesn’t know my husband, is it better to refer to “my” child or “our” child?
It’s especially challenging if I’m dog-walking with a male friend and we stop to talk with other dog-walkers who don’t know our relationship. If I refer to “our” child, I fear the friendly dog-lovers will think the man I’m with is the father. A small concern, to be sure, but I want to appropriately give credit where credit is due.
GENTLE READER: It is perfectly fine to say “my.” Miss Manners feels certain your husband will relinquish joint credit in his absence, rather than have to explain to strangers why someone else is posing as his child’s father.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am at a loss as to how to confront the use of cellphones while at a restaurant with my granddaughter and her boyfriend. It seems so rude for them to sit and use their phones while we are supposedly having a meal together -- and, I might add, I always pick up the tab.
I finally popped my cork and said, “Surely you can visit without the phone for just a bit.” Was I unduly rude?
GENTLE READER: If we want to guard against corks being popped, you might want to set the ground rules first. For example: “Let us enjoy each other’s company while we’re here, and then you can attend to your phones afterwards.”
If you are worried that issuing directions is above your pay grade, Miss Manners assures you that grandparents get special dispensation to set and enforce rules in their care -- even if their grandchildren think otherwise.