DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the etiquette for using an item at the table before responding to a request to pass it?
For instance, after someone says, “Please pass the salt,” may the passer use it first? It seems to me that it would be no problem if it’s just two, three or four people at the table.
But what if there are more diners and the item goes around the horn? Is there a difference for a quick use, like a shake of salt, versus two scoops of stew as it passes by?
GENTLE READER: The mannerly response is to hand over the requested item at once -- without first poking it to extract the good bits.
Miss Manners recognizes the inefficiency in this, but prefers it to the implication -- as the peas slowly make their way down the table, stopping at each diner -- that if the person had only waited, the dish would eventually have come around, if it hadn’t been all gobbled along the way.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: As a paid member of a tennis center, I was able to bring a nonmember friend to play at an event. At that occasion, she met other members, who invited her to return in the future and play as their guest.
I do not know these other people, nor do they know me, but apparently they are all continuing to play -- without me. That strikes me as just plain rude.
My friend was only at the event because I invited her, and would never have met the others had it not been for me. I think that when she was first invited, she should have replied that she was there as my guest and included me in the playing group.
Honestly, I do not feel kindly toward her any longer, nor do I feel inclined to invite her to anything ever again.
GENTLE READER: One expresses gratitude for introductions, but the recipient of one is not required to include the introducer in all future outings. Honeymoons would be less fun if so.
Your friend could not, in any case, have properly insisted that a hostess expand her guest list. What she could, and should, have done is to thank you profusely for the introduction and make a fuss over you when you run into one another at tennis.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My friend and I are both widows. Occasionally, I ask her to go someplace with me, such as dinner or a movie. She always accepts, but never offers to drive.
I think since we are mutually benefiting from the outing, she should offer to swap off driving. We live in the same town, but I always drive and she never does. It makes me not want to ask her.
What is the protocol on friends who go someplace together: Who is expected to drive?
GENTLE READER: Expecting responsibilities to be shared equally is, in the abstract, reasonable. But, having been married, you will recall that the specifics often require communication. Miss Manners suggests you ask your friend if she would mind driving next time.