DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is there any polite way to encourage someone who is recounting an anecdote to you to come to the point a little faster?
I am sure we have all had the experience: “So the shopkeeper, Brian — was it Brian? Oh, dear, what was his name? Maybe it was Bruce. No, Bob! Yes, yes, that was it. So anyway, I hand Bob my $20 when I went to buy Sarah’s present. Was it Sarah’s? No, it must have been Justin’s, because I remember it was warm outside and Sarah’s birthday is in winter. So I hand Bob my $20 ... ”
I am a professional editor, so I often struggle, so far with good results, to resist the urge to edit my friends’ and elderly acquaintances’ storytelling techniques.
That is the correct approach, yes? There is no polite way to urge someone not to get bogged down in irrelevant detail and get to the punchline, is there?
GENTLE READER: There is not, but one can sometimes insulate oneself from the effects — if you are not squeamish about the comfort of your fellow guests.
Invite others to join your group — by introducing them, if you are standing, or by saying they might be interested to hear this story, if you are seated nearby.
This will bring the polite impatience of the group to bear on the speaker, as well as providing opportunities to start a side conversation or slip away. Miss Manners recommends a light application of the technique, as it is the social equivalent of pointing out fellow castaways to the hungry bear.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My name is Lucia. It’s a very common Latina name, but I’m not Latina — my parents just liked the name.
When I use a rideshare service, and the driver is a native Spanish speaker, it’s pretty common that they assume I am, as well, when I get into the car. They’ll greet me with “Lucia, si?” or sometimes just “Lucia?” with a Spanish accent.
I actually speak enough Spanish to respond and carry on an intermediate conversation, but it feels a bit awkward to just launch into Spanish in my obviously “gringa” accent.
I normally just respond, “Yes, thanks!” but I can sometimes feel their palpable disappointment that we are not going to carry on in their native language. Worse, I suspect sometimes they are wondering if I am Latina but refuse to speak my native tongue, which feels a bit rude. What’s the right approach here?
GENTLE READER: Assuming you do not want to change your name for fear of disappointing strangers, Miss Manners will reassure you that answering in the most-frequently-spoken language of the area is not rude — nor would it be rude to answer in Spanish if so addressed, your accent notwithstanding.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please give me a simple answer to a rambunctious friend who gets caught up in her stories in the middle of a quiet restaurant? I don’t want to dampen the enthusiasm, just lower the volume.
GENTLE READER: Write yourself into the story. It will be hard for your friend to take offense when you look guilty and say, in a loud stage whisper, “You know, I think we’re talking so loudly, people are starting to stare.”