DEAR MISS MANNERS: Could you please remind me of the etiquette that regulates pointing, as with an index finger?
I was taught to never point at people, which seems to be an enduring guideline. Does this prohibition extend to inanimate objects, such as a choice of ice cream flavor in a large freezer case?
And are there polite alternatives for calling someone’s attention to a third person? Sometimes I struggle to identify a specific person in a crowd without showing someone the right direction to look. For example, saying, “He’s the one in the blue-green hat” at a sporting event where the home team wears blue-green is insufficient.
GENTLE READER: The prohibition applies to people, not objects, so you may not point at the man in the hat, but you may point at the pistachio ice cream. Assuming, as Miss Manners does, that this does not end with your finger actually in the ice cream.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When you find a friend’s behavior exhausting, how do you excuse yourself?
Example: I can spend all day with calm, quiet people. But my friend who bounces off the ceiling and talks constantly leaves me zapped in about 10 minutes.
I have been avoiding her altogether, but she is still poking me for a get-together. Should I suggest the library? Her constant activity and noise remind me of popcorn being popped. She is literally all over the place.
GENTLE READER: Your suggestion of going to the library may have been in jest, but it reveals the correct solution: Find an event or location that minimizes the annoyance.
More practical possibilities might be something that involves additional people or, assuming she can sit still for one, an entertainment event. This assumes that you want to spend time with this person, which Miss Manners wonders about, if 10 minutes is the limit of your tolerance.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: A friend called me on a Monday to invite me to her home for dinner on Friday night. When I accepted, she said she’d call me on Thursday to confirm. I joked that I could confirm now, and she said she and her husband may have another social engagement.
She never called. I texted to see if dinner was on, and she texted back late afternoon Friday to say that, sorry, they’d had a really busy week and it wasn’t happening.
Aside from the ridiculousness of making overlapping plans, is confirmation really necessary? I’ve had a few friends do this, and I’m baffled. I don’t cancel plans. I’ve always thought that if I accept an invitation or make plans, I’m expected to show up, period. Has that changed? Are invitations now conditional?
GENTLE READER: This was not an Invitation. It was an Obligation. Not to mention an Inconvenience and an Impertinence.
Next time, Miss Manners suggests responding during the call with, “It sounds like you have a lot going on. Why don’t you call when you know if you want to do something and I’ll see if I’m free?”