Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I met “Chris” when he was in Anchorage for work. We met on a dating app, and to be honest, I wasn’t looking for anything more than some company for the evening. In fact, when I saw he didn’t live here, it was almost a bonus — no messy complications. So imagine my surprise when what I expected would be a casual, no-strings-attached evening was so much more. Chris and I connected on every level. The chemistry was intense, almost magical. We talked about so many personal, deep topics, well into the night. And he ended up staying over, and we spent the entire next day together up until he had to leave for the airport agreeing we wanted to stay in touch.
And we did. Over the next several weeks, we talked often — texting, emails, and even some flirty and racy video chats. A week in, he told me he was falling for me and wanted us to be exclusive despite the distance, and I agreed to that happily. Pretty much every conversation ended with saying how badly we wanted to see each other again. He lives in California but travels a lot for work. It seemed like every time I suggested visiting, he was on the road. At one point he mentioned it might be easier for me to connect with him while he was on a trip, and knowing he would be in Houston the next week, I bought tickets.
Then things took a turn. I got to Houston, ready to meet up, and got a text saying his flight was delayed. Then I didn’t hear anything at all. Late that night, after I fell asleep, I got a text saying he finally made it and was at an airport hotel. Then all communication stopped. I sent some texts, tried calling, and left voicemails, asking what happened and where was he. He never responded and I have stopped trying to communicate.
What happened? This whole thing left me so confused. Why did he continue on with all the texts and attention if he had no intention of ever seeing me again? Why suggest we be exclusive, then ghost me? Why would someone treat another person this way?
Wanda says:
Lust, ego, and selfishness can lead people to treat others horribly, and I am sorry my friend, but clearly in this case you were victim to someone who wasn’t being completely honest with you. Worst-case scenario, he’s a married narcissist and serial cheater who business-trips around the country Tindering one-night stands. At best, he truly liked you but lacked the emotional maturity to respectively end things and spun a fantasy of commitment to keep you on the hook.
Sadly, your story doesn’t shock me. I’ve had too many friends get involved with people who seemed so great, so full of promise, only to learn they were hiding big secrets, or concealing circumstances or intentions that were far different from how they presented themselves. Don’t give up on online dating and connecting altogether; it can be an efficient way to meet people. But it can also hide some real jerks, and enable duplicity and deceit.
No one should be disappointed this way, and I can only imagine how sad, confusing, and embarrassing it was to find yourself miles from home, at your own time and expense, listening to dead air when you expected to be enjoying a romantic weekend. There’s no excuse, and frankly, for him, there’s no bouncing back from this.
Wayne says:
Houston — we have a problem. Hope you at least enjoyed a little Tex-Mex and a lot of frequent flyer miles on those traumatic travels. Hate to make light, but you did trek across the country to hook up with someone you didn’t really know, and whose fairly obvious and dubious fabrications and flip-flopping make George Santos look like Honest Abe Lincoln.
No excuses for this ghosting scumbag, of course. What Chris did was slimy and wrong, embodies so much of the cringe of online dating, and unites us all in wishing him some crushing Cupid karma. But I’d rather focus on your actions. You should, too, since you’ll likely only hear from this jerk again if he’s desperate and it’s the perfect time for even more introspection, assuming you did plenty of that on the long flight home.
You clearly lost sight of this, being blinded by passion and sexting and all, but you got exactly what you wanted — company for a night (and a bonus morning after), no complications of a local hook-up, and a casual connection. Why wasn’t that enough? I know the encounter exceeded expectations, but a few hours of “magic” later and you go from no strings to a whole damn ball of yarn?
Take some time to think about what you’re really looking for and be honest about it. Did hormones, hope and horniness overwhelm your approach or are you really, deep down wanting something more meaningful? Because if you’re going for strictly casual sex, you’re doing it wrong. Want the best of both worlds? That’s a tricky game. Chris may have it figured out, but he isn’t exactly a trusted source and he isn’t talking to you.
[I had what I thought was a great first date, then I was blocked on the app. What should I do?]
[Dear Annie: This guy I’ve been texting with refuses to meet me face-to-face]
[I thought I’d found love online but the physical connection wasn’t there. Now I want to bail.]