DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know if there are some alternative phrases to use when someone shares various degrees of bad news.
I know that “I’m sorry to hear ...” is a colloquial way to express one’s sympathies, but I would like to express myself in a way that feels less apologetic. I know for death-related news, I can use “My condolences,” but that seems excessive for less intense events.
What can I say when someone shares that they are sick (not deathly ill), had a breakup or just had a generally rough day?
GENTLE READER: You are not apologizing when you say you are sorry that your friend is in a sorry state, feeling sorry for the things he said during the breakup. You are expressing your distress that he is in a pitiful way -- which perhaps he would not be had he not behaved so regrettably that no apology will mend the damage.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am new to an organization and met one of the members for an event. She took my arm and took me from table to table, introducing me to about 25 people. That was unhelpful to me because I’d never remember all the names, but I think it was well-intentioned.
Later, she apparently didn’t like the topic being discussed by our part of the group; I believe she is hard of hearing and didn’t realize how loudly she was saying “This is SO boring” and things like that. I suggested that we leave, and we did.
Since then, I have had some unwelcome looks from those who were there and saw us. How should I have handled being taken from table to table? How should I handle chilly reactions from people I meet in the future?
GENTLE READER: It will depend on how convincingly, and charmingly, you can dissociate yourself from this person.
Reintroducing yourself by saying, “I just met Miss Jenna last time and she evidently wanted to present me around,” will be more believable if Jenna is not your sister, your sponsor or your ride home.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was quite perturbed to receive a birthday card that had clearly been sent to my friend and then reused and sent to me.
The card had a large plain white label taped over the first sender’s signature, which evidently could not be completely erased, and was then signed anew. I understand the need for recycling and being environmentally conscious, but still, this seemed to be a breach of basic etiquette.
While I am grateful that the friend sent me birthday wishes, am I wrong to be insulted that I did not merit a card that was thoughtfully selected for me -- and unused?
GENTLE READER: But did she spell your name right? It seems to Miss Manners that your friend already lost the claim to be demonstrating enormous interest when she jettisoned an actual letter in favor of a preprinted card. The rest is merely a matter of degree.
She does not therefore agree that you should go so far as to be insulted -- only measured in your gratitude.