DEAR MISS MANNERS: I belong to a club that has an indoor and outdoor pool, so I enjoy swimming year-round. An older gentleman also swims there, always at the same time I do. Because of work and other responsibilities, I am limited to swimming at that time of day.
This gentleman either has some sort of medical issue or is taking a medication that makes him cough -- loudly and constantly. His laps are punctuated at each end of the pool by relentless, loud, dry coughing. It’s not the kind that doubles him over or stops him from swimming; it’s a regular, rapid, rhythmic, dry, barking cough that goes on for about 10 seconds, every minute or so, for about 45 minutes. It is incredibly annoying!
Is there any polite way to approach him and ask if he’s been seen by a doctor for this? I know my motives are pure.
GENTLE READER: Tell your second paragraph that.
Miss Manners understands that both the irritation and your concern for this gentleman can coexist. She recommends, however, that you hide the former better, by simply asking if he is all right. That he should do something about it has likely been considered -- and your saying so might betray the annoyance that you are trying so hard to conceal.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Last Sunday, a woman I’ve known for many years but haven’t seen for quite a while came to church. I waved her over to sit with me, thinking it was good to see her, and welcomed her warmly.
After the service, we talked for about 20 minutes, during most of which she told me her woes of divorce and her 30-year-old son who won’t get a job and move out. (He does deal with depression, anxiety and ADHD ... but the apple doesn’t fall far from the “it’s always something” tree.)
I do feel for her, and for her son, but her oversharing and her resistance to any of my attempts to ask questions that might lead to positive steps were so frustrating. As she went on and on, I just felt dumped-on.
I’m writing because her parting words were, “Let’s get together for lunch. Call me.”
First, isn’t it rude to order someone else to call you? Second, our interaction reminded me that she has always been a complainer who talks way more than she listens. I have no interest in going to lunch with her for a second helping of the stuff she always serves up.
May I just ignore her demand? If, to be polite, I have to do lunch, can I simply arrange to meet her for a meal after a church event? At least that way, I feel it doesn’t take up so much time. I dread it already.
GENTLE READER: The advantage to someone’s putting the burden of calling on you is that you do not have to accept the challenge. Miss Manners grants you license to ignore her demand.
If, however, your woeful friend follows up and you get cornered -- and claims of a harried schedule do not work -- an after-church meal is acceptable. Maybe you will get lucky that day and the Scripture will include the passage about being “quick to listen and slow to speak.”