Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My boyfriend of several years proposed on Christmas. I was thrilled to accept, as we’ve long planned on our future together.
But, we’ve barely been engaged a few weeks, and already his family, namely his mother, is making me crazy. Her first question was, had we picked a date? Which I thought was a crazy question given that he had proposed like an hour earlier.
Pretty much the follow-up question was whether I plan to change my last name. I don’t, and I never have. I’m in my 40s, I’ve had my name my whole life, and we don’t plan on having kids, so there isn’t the issue many contemplate of the child having a different name from a parent. But I also fundamentally feel in this day and age that a woman changing her name to the man’s name is silly and outdated. There, I said it.
My future mother-in-law has asked me to reconsider. And my fiance, I can tell, feels torn and in the middle — so much that he even brought it up the other day, and said if I didn’t really care either way, then why not just take his last name because it would make his mom happy. He’s misunderstanding me though: I do care, I care about my name and my identity.
I would love to nip this in the bud before it overshadows all the wedding planning. Advice?
Wanda says:
A Pew Research study in 2003 found about 80% of women in opposite-sex marriages change their name when they marry. So yes, it’s still a strong majority partaking in an age-old tradition, but 1 in 5 women are either keeping their surname or hyphenating, so you’re hardly alone in your feelings or approach. Interestingly, the research found certain women are less inclined to adopt a new moniker: women with post-graduate education, who are registered Democrat, or who marry at a younger age were more likely to keep their last name.
But you raise a good point, being in your 40s and having lived with this name a good four decades and then some — it feels like part of you. Of course, it does! It’s the name that’s been with you through countless library cards, voter registrations, roll calls, and more. Simply put, it feels like you. And I’ll tell you what: getting married is a big enough adjustment by itself, and a huge commitment, a major legal blending of lives, and a symbolic union of intended lifetime togetherness. You’re excited to take that leap, and if there are parts of the various associated traditions that feel inauthentic to who you are, simply don’t do them. And that includes changing your name.
Keep that guidance close as you navigate wedding planning too. You’ll get lots and lots of advice, both solicited and not so much. Many people will have opinions based not only on what they want for you but actually, kinda based on what they’d want for themselves. It’s your special day with your soon-to-be husband, so receive this input with patience and a smile, while committing to making your wedding your own.
Wayne says:
First, congratulations on the proposal, I’m guessing a shiny new ring and all of the other exciting wedding things! Everything in your life should be light, fun, and radiating with love right now — consider this the honeymoon phase before your real honeymoon. So don’t waste energy stressing or arguing about anything when you can easily overwhelm any buzzkills with your newly engaged happiness. Besides, as Wanda noted, there are plenty of things to freak out about once you two get serious about wedding planning and start seeing price tags.
Regarding your last name, it’s your name and your choice. And hey, since your fiancé is on the fence or seemingly doesn’t care other than his mom cares, tell him his first show of a lifetime of partnership and harmony as your future husband can be backing you on this. If his mom has a problem with that, that’s her problem. Just like you taking his name is her opinion.
Speaking of opinions: May I give you some marital advice? You don’t have to agree with your in-laws, but life is a heck of a lot easier when everyone is getting along. Sure, you and your future mom-in-law aren’t on the same page about last names. But saying her way of thinking is “silly and outdated” is your opinion, and a not-so-popular one, at that. Seems that 8 out of 10 women still agree with her traditional approach. But whatever. Just consider taking it easy on her when your ideals don’t align, and hopefully, she’ll do the same for you as you become a family and maybe even good friends.
[Ask Amy: My family is upset that my fiancé and I want ‘flower gremlins’ at our wedding]
[Ask Amy: My boyfriend says he’ll only propose if I lose weight]