Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My New Year’s resolution is to reduce my debt. Since I graduated five years ago, I have only gone deeper into debt every year. I have done about everything I could in my life to save money. I don’t take crazy vacations, I drive the same car I’ve had for 10 years, and I share an apartment with roommates. The problem is my friends.
I always knew I wouldn’t make a ton of money working in the nonprofit sector. I was OK with that. My friend group generally seems to have gone the opposite route. One’s a lawyer, one’s in finance — heck, a couple are bartenders and always are rolling in cash. So when we go out on weekends, they’re making dinner reservations at Anchorage’s nicest restaurants, or going out for cocktails at bars that actually have cocktail menus. We always split the bill evenly when the night ends, even if I just get a salad.
I feel like my financial situation should be obvious if they were paying attention. And it’s embarrassing to have to explain it. At the same time, I love these people. They’re my closest thing in Alaska to family. I don’t want to stop hanging out with them, but they’re bankrupting me. What can I do to get the group to take it down a notch financially?
Wanda says:
I sense some despondency as you’re focusing on your inability (so far) to chip away at your debt. Step back a minute and give yourself some credit for your achievements: you have a job you love — one you worked hard to get; you have a clear financial goal in mind, even if you’re not quite sure how to get there; and you have a solid group of friends, even if they are clueless to your woes.
Money can be an uncomfortable topic — and an embarrassing one too, as you noted. But none of us are mind-readers, and if your group norm is bill-splitting, only clear requests for a different approach will change that. Otherwise, it will remain business as usual.
Next time you’re all out for dinner or drinks, offer loudly and politely to Venmo someone for what you ordered — not for your “portion,” or your “share,” but for your specific order. Platforms like Venmo and PayPal make this so approach much easier than splitting checks used to be. There’s no reason your friends shouldn’t support you doing it that way. There is nothing wrong with this approach, even if it feels strange or different from how things have been done. Likewise, going out with a group does not consign you to underwrite their filet mignons and martinis.
While you’re at it, pick one or two people you really click with in your circle and have a vulnerable conversation about your situation. Then you’ll have some allies in your corner who have your back and are sensitive to your circumstances without you having to have a giant chat with the entire crew.
Wayne says:
Since Wanda aptly covered apps and awkward conversations with friends, I’ll dive into reaching your New Year’s goal of reducing debt. But let’s expand that goal to becoming financially stable and making it a permanent lifestyle change.
First goal: Reverse your debt accumulation to debt reduction. What are the habits that continue putting you deeper in debt? Identify them and fix or eliminate them. Maybe that means not going out with your friends so often, getting a side hustle, deleting streaming channels, or changing careers. Sure, there are truths to the financial sacrifices many make to work in the noble nonprofit sector, but you can still fight for regular raises and advancement or seek more lucrative opportunities in related industries.
Then there are the day-to-day spending, saving and financial health lessons that will create short- and long-term progress. There’s a wealth of financial literacy workshops, books, videos and podcasts, many free, that will expand your skillset and goal-setting. Most credit unions offer sessions with financial advisers to their members. And often employee savings programs bring in representatives for group and one-on-one Q&As and courses.
If you’re serious about getting out of debt and getting onto a solid financial foundation, take advantage of every opportunity to learn about and maximize your time and money. Getting out of debt will change your life, stress level and future. Need more motivation? Keep this image in mind: a day when you’ll have the disposable cash to buy the girls a round of bottomless brunch mimosas!
[Every time my friend and I go out, I end up paying more than my share and feeling taken advantage of]
[Miss Manners: Is buying rounds of drinks a gift or an expectation?]
[What’s the proper way to split a restaurant bill?]
[Miss Manners: How honest should I be with friends about why I don’t want to hang out with them?]