DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is your opinion on vulgar language and risque jokes among a same-sex crowd?
I’m a man, and was brought up with the rule that a gentleman never uses certain words or tells certain jokes in the presence of ladies, but that this was acceptable (and even expected) when it was “just the guys.” Indeed, a certain amount of coarse talk was considered a natural bonding experience in environments like locker rooms, drinking establishments, the military, etc.
Now that the sexes mix more, I am noticing more women using such talk when they are among men. What is allowed, and what is improper?
GENTLE READER: Funny how locker-room talk and lewd behavior is considered acceptable when it is just the guys, but let women in on the “fun” and suddenly it becomes vulgar.
Offensive is offensive, no matter who is present. Miss Manners advises you to abide by that rule, rather than the one that involves whether or not a certain gender or demographic is present. It is prudent to do so -- if not out of decency, then in case an active recording device is near.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do you respond to people who never reciprocate?
We casually hang out with a very social couple and their only son. Our kids have been friends for eight years. For that long, they’ve come over to our house for various dinners, holiday parties, drinks, coffee after the kids’ hangouts, etc. Sometimes they drop off their son.
Yet they’ve never asked us over in return. More bothersome, they’ve never asked our son over. I’ve only seen their house for 30 minutes in all these years, when the wife once asked me to help her choose paint swatches. The place was immaculate and beautiful.
Since COVID, we’ve scaled back and reevaluated, only hosting close friends who reciprocate. They got wind of it, grew paranoid and now pressure us frequently, saying, “We’re expecting you to invite us over too, anytime now!” Then they texted, “Which day next month works for us to visit for the day? We really want to come over.” They even had their son ask ours about visiting. Frankly, it’s gotten weird.
We’re busy with several kids, and it’s a lot of work. Maybe they dislike hosting, but they should not expect us to keep doing it. We feel used.
I don’t want to invite them anymore, but I also don’t want to mess up our sons’ friendship. We have other friends in common, so we will see them around. How do we set firm boundaries and let them know the one-way hosting is over?
GENTLE READER: “I’m afraid that our schedule has gotten out of control and we have other demands. But you are welcome to borrow Jordan, if Tayden is available.”
This falls just short of rudely demanding an invitation -- although Miss Manners acknowledges that your friends have no such compunction.