DEAR MISS MANNERS: Growing up, when visiting my grandparents and other relatives, I remember the TV would be turned off when we entered as guests. I remember music playing when we had Christmas parties or other family get-togethers, but the TV was always turned off.
But lately, when visiting friends, relatives and others, I’ve noticed more and more that the TVs are staying on. In many cases, they are not even muted. In my opinion, it is very distracting and, honestly, rude.
Is it rude to have the TV on when guests visit, or am I overreacting?
GENTLE READER: Overreacting? When you consider how much the noise might annoy guests who are trying to concentrate on their video games or texting conversations?
After the isolation of the first pandemic years, Miss Manners would have thought that the attraction of such gatherings would be interacting with people face-to-face. Why bother to invite guests, or to go out, if you only want to focus on one kind of screen or another?
Of course, Miss Manners does not know your relatives. But surely if they can gather, even once a year, they can talk to one another. If you are not the host, the best you can do is to ask if others will join you in another room, because you are so glad to see them and eager to hear about them.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: There seems to be so much growing awareness about the legitimacy of mental health challenges these days. However, my community of friends has left me to spend the holidays alone, repeatedly, despite knowing I live alone, have no family and am trying to cope with depression and anxiety.
I’ve made pretty bold hints, and that hasn’t worked. I know it is not their responsibility to include me, but finding myself alone again this year has been quite rough.
Any strategies to be welcomed to holiday gatherings without reducing myself to begging?
GENTLE READER: No one needs to be alone, especially at the holidays. There are so many organizations that accept volunteers to help others in various ways. It is fine to ask whether there is a small task that you feel you can handle.
That said, Miss Manners agrees that it would be kind of your friends to invite you, and not only on holidays. She hears from single people who feel resentment that they are only invited out of pity.
Friendship involves more than that: It also involves reciprocity. That does not mean that you must entertain them in the same way they entertain you. You could reciprocate with small favors and sincere gratitude. And perhaps you have done that, as you mention having a community of friends.
But friendship also involves understanding your friends’ situations. They may be swamped with other obligations, particularly during the holidays.
Miss Manners noted that you are citing depression and anxiety. You may well feel that the efforts above are beyond you. In that case, the sad truth is that you are indeed dependent on their thinking, “Poor thing, she has nobody; we should probably do something” -- and in competition with their other obligations.