Wanda and Wayne,
I’m in a new-ish but excellent relationship, and we’re celebrating our first Christmas together at her family’s home here in Anchorage.
My childhood traditions were all about cooking up a storm and celebrating together. Pretty much any opportunity in December through New Year’s meant holiday drinks, appetizers, fresh baked cookies — cooking and eating together was always important.
Her folks are far from cooks. Instead, they’re all about dining out and catering from the best Anchorage restaurants. Food is almost a formality and an opportunity to show off, it seems.
They’ve laid down the law with a “don’t bring anything” rule for Christmas dinner and I know they mean it. This feels weird because I come from a place where everyone contributes, even if it’s washing dishes or cleaning vegetables. We were raised never to come empty-handed. And I’ve become something of a great cook, I think — so it seems like a missed opportunity to not bring something?
My girlfriend doesn’t think I should bring anything, and doesn’t want any awkwardness. I know I’m being a little ridiculous and I’ll likely get over it, but I also want her family to better understand who I am, the kind of family I come from, and that food and dining together is love in my world. This is perfect opportunity to do that. Or is it just me?
Wanda says:
You’re the guest this holiday — and a relative newcomer at that. It might be a different story if this was your second, third, or fourth shared Christmas, and you’d built a foundational relationship with her family so you’re not the weird guy showing up with deviled eggs. For now, you need to stick to the script and honor their traditions.
You can bring something — as you were raised to do — without throwing off the balance and plans of their perfect meal with some awkward appetizer or incongruent cocktail. How about flowers for the table? A nice bar of seasonal soap or holiday tea towel? There are many ways to show your appreciation and personality without stubbornly sticking to your culinary tract.
I understand how food and feasting can define feelings of togetherness. Just because you aren’t experiencing this with her family on Christmas doesn’t mean you can’t express elements of this in your own way and on your own terms this season. Why not have a Christmas Eve feast with your gal and invite some pals to join? Or host a New Year’s brunch? Either way, when you accepted that Christmas invite to your girl’s family’s place, you accepted attending on their terms.
Wayne says:
One day, when your bones are wary, your brain is fried, and 24/7 adulting has the bags under your eyes larger than Santa’s gift sack, you’ll appreciate the extremely rare and special opportunity of being able to kick your feet up and let someone, anyone, else do all of the work. You won’t question who cooked the juicy prime rib and paired it with the perfect wine, or who baked the cookies you couldn’t stop shoveling in your face. You’ll smile uncontrollably, savor every bite, wish the moment lasted until New Year’s Day ... and then fall into a long winter food coma.
Until then, drop the pride and grab a plate, my friend. Dress nice, say “please” and “thank you,” be sweet to your girlfriend and pleasant to everyone else, and enjoy a fancy feast that will likely knock your Kiss The Chef apron off. Anxious over empty hands? Put your girlfriend’s hand in yours and show that you’re a good boyfriend. Now is not the time to force your family traditions, your smokies in a blanket, or your eggnog-spiked Trulys on another family’s tried-and-true Christmas customs and celebrations.
Bringing anything when explicitly being told not to will have the opposite effect that you’re hoping for: You’ll be seen as annoying, if not rude, not helpful or generous, creative or thoughtful. They want to treat you and everyone else, just like they have for many years before you came along. They have their system dialed, just like you and your family do, so let them do their thing and play the grateful guest.
Wanda nailed it — you’ll have plenty of chances to show your kitchen creativity, giving spirit, and “food is love” approach to family. At your own home, with your own guests, at a friendsgiving potluck, a backyard BBQ, or a semi-formal sitdown dinner. And maybe one day, they’ll fall in love with one of your sides, entrees or drinks the way their daughter has fallen in love with you, and maybe even request it. But that ain’t now, and this ain’t the year to wing it, my friend.
[Miss Manners: How do I politely ask a guest not to bring a side dish to our big family gathering?]
[Wayne and Wanda: My husband broke our no-Christmas-gifts pact, and now I’m stressing]
[Ask Amy: Is it OK to ask family members whether they’re sick before a holiday visit?]