DEAR MISS MANNERS: My wife and I have a wide circle of friends and an active social life. The vast majority of our friends are very considerate guests and hosts.
But we have one group of friends with a very relaxed approach to socializing. These friends will give noncommittal responses to invitations, accept invitations but cancel at the last minute, or arrive alone and state that their spouse could not make it.
In our book, these were not friends worth having. We stopped issuing invitations to them and stopped accepting theirs to us.
I thought that would be the end of it, until I encountered several members of this group while alone at a function. They approached me and expressed how much they missed us and wanted to see us again. Their entreaty seemed quite genuine, not just a vague “We should try to get together sometime” sort of thing.
Nevertheless, I was unmoved. The most socially acceptable response in such situations is simply to agree but not follow through, but I find it difficult to be insincere. While I am certainly able to express tact, I think even this quality eluded me.
I found myself saying, “Gosh, you know, I don’t really think that is going to work out.” For what it’s worth, I said it brightly and evenly, as if I were declining a bowl of ice cream, then quickly changed the subject to how the evening was going.
After a few more perfunctory exchanges, they left, looking more puzzled than insulted.
I know there are a myriad of ways that I could have handled this situation insincerely, but what else could I have said that would have maintained my sincerity and dignity? Since we concluded that these were not true friends in the first place, should I even really care at this point?
GENTLE READER: Although Miss Manners defends your decision not to socialize with impolite people, this is not license to tell them why. Doing so is rude -- and for that reason, she sees little dignity in the sincerity you seem to prize.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’m an auto claims insurance adjuster, and occasionally take calls from customers whose loved ones have been killed in an accident. While I can almost always assist with their insurance needs, I don’t know how to end the call.
It feels wrong and insensitive to end the call the way I normally would, with something along the lines of, “Have a great day!” I want to express my empathy, but don’t know what else to say.
What is an appropriate, empathetic and professional thing to say before ending these calls?
GENTLE READER: The empathetic and professional thing to say is, “Once again, I’m sorry for your loss and if there is any further way I can be of assistance, please let me know.”
It is no less appropriate for its lack of originality -- something Miss Manners sees as a virtue, given how badly it often ends when people improvise in an attempt to demonstrate greater feeling.