Hello Wanda and Wayne,
I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years now. Before me, he had a girlfriend who he was in a long distance relationship with for about 10 years. She eloped with another man before my husband and I met. Sometime in 2022, we went on vacation to Maryland. Unknown to me, my husband has been in contact with this lady and had planned to visit her.
When word got out, I strongly opposed the plan, but he did not listen. Under the guise of going to church, he visited her while we were in Maryland. When I found out, I felt cheated and confronted him about it. He did not see anything wrong with what he did and I had to call on his mom to set things right.
Despite my disapproval about being in touch with this lady, my husband texts her from time to time. The last time she was pregnant, she asked my husband if she should keep or abort the baby.
Anyways, today, he displayed her baby’s picture (for his birthday) on Whatsapp. I feel like sometimes I am competing with the lady because he is somewhat still emotionally attached to her.
I just feel so angry and disrespected. I had even a bad thought to cheat with another man to spite him. Please, how should I approach/deal with this situation? Thank you.
Wayne says:
All of your feelings are valid. He is disrespecting you. He is not putting your relationship first; heck, he’s pretty much checked out of it. He’s even planning your vacations so he can conveniently see his ex. We all have different definitions of cheating, but I’m pretty sure this behavior covers the full spectrum. Sorry, but I wouldn’t put anything past someone this rude and reckless to his wife of 10 years.
But why get into the gutter and cheat just to spite him? And why blow up his mom’s phone? Why not stand up for yourself and your beliefs in how you should be treated and how a relationship with you should work instead? Think he’ll be less rude and deceptive if you hook up with someone else? Think you’ll feel better about the situation after you blow off some steam with an ex or a stranger? Think his mom is going to straighten this whole thing out for you two?
How about acting like an adult and taking a nice long break from him to figure out if this is what you both want? And yes, I said both — emphasis on you. Do you want to continue living like this? Do you believe he can truly get his act together? Do you think that this relationship is beyond fixing? Let him work on his stuff, if that’s what he chooses to do. I’d hate to recommend divorce if that’s not what you want, but a separation can give you a break from the drama and some clarity on what you want the next phase of your life to be like. Good luck.
Wanda says:
I’m firmly with Wayne on this one. Marriage means putting each other first and sometimes that means letting go of pieces of our past that are toxic to the success of the partnership. He isn’t demonstrating ability or willingness to do this and it’s harming your trust, stability, and is even challenging your own commitment to fidelity.
But don’t have some kind of revenge affair. That won’t help anyone. Yes, for a fleeting moment you might feel desired and even find a flash of retaliatory victory in your actions — but this would absolutely be temporary and I’d wager you wouldn’t feel good about it after the fact.
For 10 years, he’s enjoyed some degree of the presence of a side chick, blatantly ignoring your requests to change his ways. It’s time to change yours. Set boundaries and consequences and stick to them. Let him know he can’t be your husband and her overtly and awkwardly close confidant. And define what will happen should he break that trust. If that means initiating a break, like Wayne said, then so be it. And if it leads to the demise of your marriage, frankly, you have given him plenty of chances — and years — to avoid that outcome.
[My husband thinks secretly chatting up ex-girlfriends on Facebook isn’t cheating. I disagree.]
[Ask Amy: I watched my friend wreck other marriages. I never thought she’d hurt me.]
[When I caught my husband chatting with his ex, he lied about it — and then he lied some more]