DEAR MISS MANNERS: How do I politely decline a close relative’s offer to bring an appetizer or side dish to our annual large family gathering? His bringing something requires me to take food out of my oven and adjust the temperature to accommodate his heating instructions. It throws off my timing for the whole meal -- for a house full of hungry people -- and causes me no end of stress and aggravation.
The last time, he arrived late, when my meal was pretty much ready to serve. I had to put off serving for over a half-hour to bake and serve his appetizers -- after everyone had been munching on other things for close to an hour.
He puts a lot of time and effort into the food, but he hosts large gatherings of his own, so I can’t imagine he doesn’t realize how disruptive this “help” is for my dinner.
I could suggest he bring something that doesn’t require use of my limited kitchen appliances, but this is his specialty dish and a favorite of the family. I care for this person very much, but the next gathering already has me anxious as to how to decline this offer.
GENTLE READER: You should count yourself lucky, Miss Manners supposes, that your relative is asking. So often guests just show up with complicated dishes and expect to be accommodated.
But as long as he is asking, you may reasonably say, “You are so kind to offer, and your bacon-wrapped filet mignon hors d’oeuvres are delicious, but I’m afraid our oven is simply not equipped to handle cooking them properly with all of the other food we’re serving.
“Why don’t you let us take care of the whole meal this time? Then perhaps we can enjoy your dish at your house next time.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is a good response, if any, when a husband tells a woman, “I wish my wife was built like you” -- in front of his wife?
GENTLE READER: “Your wife has a wish or two of her own right now.”
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DEAR MISS MANNERS: Can you please list the requirements of the best man in a wedding? There is only a best man, no groomsmen. It is a fancy destination wedding, and the gentlemen are best friends.
GENTLE READER: Are you asking what the requirements should be, or what they actually will be, particularly given the “fancy destination” part that renders Miss Manners suspicious?
A best man should be trusted not to lose the ring; to calm down the bridegroom if he has a normal amount of jitters (and hatch an escape plan if these become serious); to give a short, inoffensive toast; to dance with (but not seduce) the maid of honor; and generally to not embarrass himself or upstage the bridegroom.
What his duties will likely entail, on the other hand, is to organize and pay for multiple, elaborate destination bachelor parties for people he has never met; to procure weirdly specific, and possibly inappropriate, attire for these events; and to be in a state to embarrass himself in several languages and upstage the bridegroom.
All the while repeating, “What happens at a destination wedding, stays at a destination wedding” far more times than is funny.