Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My girlfriend is mad that I didn’t invite her to join my family for Thanksgiving. Let me provide a little background. She and I hung out unofficially for months before deciding to be official as of September. During our casual phase, we were both open and seeing other people, so I still consider us a new relationship. I really like her and could see this lasting, which is why I don’t want to rush things.
She’s already brought up living together (which I see as a long way out), has made all kinds of social meet-ups to introduce me to her friends (most of whom I already know), and when she mentioned coming to my parents’ for Thanksgiving, I immediately told her it’s too soon.
She has family here, so this isn’t about her spending Thanksgiving alone. This is about her wanting to see “movement” in our relationship. My family is big, loud and opinionated. I imagine she would get asked all kinds of questions about herself and our relationship that would put her on the spot. As it is, I’m sure I’ll get grilled, but at least without her there, I don’t have to worry about her feelings getting hurt or her feeling awkward.
Beyond concerns about my family’s intensity, I’m also not sure I feel ready to bring her home. It feels too fast. Now with Thanksgiving passing us by, she’s fixating on Christmas and whether we will spend that at my parents’ house. I need advice on how to handle this.
Wanda says:
Bringing someone home for the holidays can be a pretty big deal. It may signal that you’re in a fairly serious relationship and are ready to introduce a very special partner to the inner sanctum. And you nailed it: The atmosphere can be anxiety-inducing. Holidays in general can amplify inner-family tensions and drama, heighten stress levels, and evoke intense emotions.
Holidays can also be low-key and fun! Bringing a partner ‘round for turkey or egg nog doesn’t have to mean marriage is up next. If come Christmas, you’re ready to bring her home, there are ways to do it that feel more like casual baby steps and less like skydiving. Instead of bringing her to the entirety of your family’s celebration, pick a prolonged moment to enjoy — like inviting her for brunch, or having her over on Christmas Eve for cocktails. Also, introduce her with context: You’ve been friends for a long time, and having recently started seeing each other, you saw this as a good opportunity to meet the people you grew up with all at once.
Or don’t bring her home at all. You know your family best, and your read on how her coupled-up enthusiasm may collide with your family’s scrutiny and potential judgment may be spot-on. You may not yet be connected enough to know how to protect her in these vulnerable social situations. And personally, you may just need a little more time in this relationship’s newness to get there. You’re clearly a slow-burner when it comes to relationship progression, and there is nothing wrong with that. Just know that as much as your girlfriend may not be able to make you move faster, you may not be able to slow her down, and that could be an insurmountable barrier at some point ahead.
Wayne says:
So, Thanksgiving is for the birds. Christmas is down the chimney. What’s next, she can’t get a kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve? She isn’t invited to your birthday party? At this rate, I don’t see any fireworks for you two come July 4.
I appreciate taking things slow, but this isn’t slow — you’ve hung up a big stoplight, which is probably beginning to look a lot like a big red flag to her. After careful consideration and communication, she’s all in now, enthusiastic about you, this relationship and the future. She’s bringing you into her world and she wants you to do the same. But you won’t let her meet your family because, um, you’re protecting her, and yourself, from curious folks who are likely just as excited as she is to get together. Imagine how she feels with this rejection.
Are you even serious about this woman and this relationship or not? Do you really see a long-term future with her or is this just a nice little daydream? If taking her home for the holidays is too serious for you, maybe a long-term relationship is, too. I mean, ultimately, it’s just some meals and mingling that you’re attaching way too much importance to. You don’t have to propose. You don’t have to put on an act. You don’t even have to stay with mommy and daddy — you’re an adult, get a hotel. I’m guessing your girlfriend can handle herself and is willing to get past some potential awkwardness to get closer to you. So reconsider Christmas or start to consider a scenario in which you keep dragging your feet and she starts moving on.
[Ask Sahaj: Spending time with my family feels ‘performative’ and ‘oppressive’]
[Wayne and Wanda: I love my bestie, but our boyfriends can’t stand each other]