Q: I work in a manufacturing environment. On paper, I’m more educated than my co-workers; I am not saying this to brag, it’s just a fact. I adore my co-workers for the most part and we get along quite well. Like a family.
The problem is my work bestie. She’s loud and often rude to others. To put it mildly: She’s a “Karen.” She yells at the bosses and is in everyone’s business. I really like her most of the time. But how do I deal with rude and inappropriate comments she makes - like asking if someone speaks English based on their looks? Or her comments about transgender people? I do not believe the same things she does and I find it easier to be silent than start an argument, especially when other co-workers tend to agree with her.
How do I address often politically charged and just downright rude comments without starting fights?
A: In these deeply divided times, the stakes of speaking out for what you believe in can feel sky high. The good news: There’s a good way to say almost anything. But that doesn’t mean you have any control over the reaction, especially if you’re dealing with an unpredictable person. There is always some risk that comes with speaking out, especially in a professional setting. Which is why you need to be solid in why you are choosing to speak up in the first place.
How you respond to the next bigoted or rude comment says more about you than your co-worker. And whether you speak out or not, there could be unforeseen consequences. So, the bigger questions to ask yourself now are: What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to move through the world? Which set of possible consequences can you live with?
We all need frameworks to help inform how we navigate this volatile world. As I see it, there are two ways to look at this situation: through a moral lens or a self-preservationist lens. In conflicts like these, most of our decision-making is motivated by either what is right or what feels safe. It isn’t always easy to choose the right thing; when our social or economic safety is threatened, our values are called into question. Up until now you’ve chosen silence, because not rocking the boat makes you feel safer - even if it’s at the expense of someone else. But what may feel safer for you in the short-term could have costly consequences down the line, not only for your own conscience, but also your professional reputation.
You assume the rest of the team agrees with your co-worker. But if you are silently dissenting, how do you know she isn’t making other people uncomfortable as well? You have the most education, are very close to this woman and are well-liked among your colleagues. Have you considered that some of your co-workers may be following your lead? By speaking up, you could actually be contributing to a healthier work environment for your work “family.” Although, I would caution against thinking of your colleagues as family, because it can get dysfunctional fast.
Speaking of dysfunctional workplace dynamics, you call this person a “Karen” but you also refer to her as your “work bestie.” Can we unpack that? What are the qualifications for being your bestie and where do common values sit on that list? How did the friendship get this far without having an honest conversation about how these racist and transphobic comments make you feel? If you don’t feel comfortable or safe enough to be yourself with her, what is your friendship really built on?
My take: That woman isn’t your bestie. She is a liability. And whether you agree with her actions or not, your silence can be seen as complicity. If you value your inner peace, you need to have the conversation you’ve been avoiding.
Start by writing a script to mentally prepare and make sure the conversation happens privately. Open with something disarming that reaffirms how much you care about her. You could wade in by saying you would want to know if you ever said or did anything that may compromise the friendship or your standing at work. Then ask if she would want you to tell her the same. Assuming her answer is yes, you’ve created a soft invitation to share what’s been bothering you. Be direct and clear. Share your observations and then open up a dialogue by asking questions that inspire empathy, like, “How would you feel if. . .?” Or “Do you realize when you say things like x that it is insensitive and offensive?”
You are not responsible for her reaction. I cannot promise she won’t get defensive or turn it into a fight. If she does, it is okay to stop engaging. And if her abhorrent behavior continues, you have no choice but to distance yourself. It’s both the safest move and the right one.