Wayne and Wanda: I love my bestie, but our boyfriends can’t stand each other

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I’m a late-20s woman in a long-term relationship with an amazing guy (“Rob”) who I fully expect to marry. We’re deeply in love, share many interests and have an incredible connection. The only problem is he can’t stand my best friend’s boyfriend (let’s call her Taylor and him Travis — I need to laugh so I don’t cry, right?).

Taylor and I are lifelong besties. We’re like sisters, truly. Travis is a serious part of her life, and I believe he’s really so great for her. The problem is, our boyfriends couldn’t be more different. They’ve basically disliked each other since they met. They have completely different careers: her Travis works in finance, and my Rob is an outdoorsy scientist. Their political beliefs are total polar opposites. They can’t even agree on sports — their football teams are rivals!

Whenever we have group gatherings or double dates, it’s a time bomb. They don’t exactly fight or full-on argue, but it’s passive-aggressive barbs and caveman one-upping each other until it gets completely uncomfortable. My boyfriend dreads any plans with them or even a mention of Travis. I don’t want to upset him, but I also can’t distance myself from Taylor. Sure, we have girl time together, but we obviously want to get together as couples, too.

I consider myself fairly progressive and find it refreshing to be around people who have different experiences and perspectives. I know relationships are about compromise and acceptance, but I’m not sure how to bridge this gap. It’s impacting my friendship with Taylor because we want them to get along and the fact that they don’t is really stressful.

Have any tips to help my boyfriend overcome this dislike or even loosen up? Maybe some input for a complete reset? I just want the people I care about most to find a way to coexist without any tension or awkwardness. Any advice you can offer would be greatly appreciated.

Wanda says:

It’s hard to believe your boyfriends have nothing at all in common, so I would start by seeking out common ground. Is there something they both love and enjoy — like a hobby, or traveling, or cooking or fine dining? And is there a way to turn that into a double-date experience that puts everyone on the same page so you can collectively start from a place of enjoyment and joy?

Another idea would be to put everyone on uneven ground by finding a shared activity that no one has ever done before — like rock climbing, or an escape room date, or even a weekend trip to some fun Alaska town like Sitka or Juneau. Maybe if you get everyone out of their comfort zones, and all you have to familiarly rely on is one another, the dudes will get over their mutual disdain and embrace bonding over the unknown.

Ultimately, it’s clear these guys would never organically befriend each other in real life. But what they have in common is a love for you and Taylor. Deep and lasting friendships are precious and should be protected, and ultimately both guys should understand that as much as Taylor and Travis (ha) are a package deal, as are you and your boyfriend, you and Taylor are the OG package deal — and being romantic and involved with you both in the long term means they’d better pull on their big-boy pants, put aside their differences, and learn how to spend time together.

Wayne says:

And these are the boys you two want to marry? They are so immature and unimaginative, so stubborn and proud, and so disrespectful that they can’t get past whatever petty differences they have and get along for the sake of peace, love and their partners’ happiness. It really isn’t a big ask or sacrifice, and it really isn’t that hard to have a good time.

Basically, it’s time for these boys to become men. But unfortunately, it’s likely going to take two grown women acting more like moms or HR representatives than girlfriends to make this reality. You and Taylor each, individually, need to talk to your respective boyfriends and tell them to do better. To get past the childishness. To look at the big picture, like how they’ll both be attending a lot of birthdays, weddings and events together forever. To not only take this opportunity to get along for their partners, but to also get along to become better human beings. And they have to make it happen because that’s what adults, and partners, do — period, the end.

Either way, here’s a creative reset: make them watch “Step Brothers” together. Partly because 90 minutes of laughing at Will Ferrell can solve just about any problem, but also because it will be a hard look in the mirror for these two bozos. Seriously, sit them down, put the movie on, and then get mimosas with Taylor. Hopefully they at least share a sense of humor and just enough common sense to appreciate the movie’s teachings — yes, there are life lessons in “Step Brothers.” The importance of friendship and family. How it takes time and even a little turmoil to get to truly know someone. How discovering even the smallest similarities and embracing one larger purpose together can form strong alliances. And what’s a larger purpose than getting along to keep their amazing girlfriends, and future wives, happy?

[My friend’s new wife is loud and obnoxious. What can we do to make double dates less painful?]

[Dear Annie: Your husband’s friends don’t have to be your friends]

[Dear Annie: My family is being torn apart by polarizing politics in our group texts]