Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 33 years. My wife has children and grandchildren from a different marriage. She has a wonderful job and makes great money. I am now retired. I have a nice little nest egg from my pension.
About 15 years ago, while we had a joint checking account that I trusted her to be in charge of, I found out she was giving away all our extra money to her children and keeping just enough to pay the bills. I decided we would have to have our own bank accounts. She got a loan in 2017 for $21,000 to pay off her credit cards, which she paid off in 2019. When I retired in 2020, I paid off her credit cards once more and a new car hoping to encourage her to stop spending and start saving.
Since January of 2020, she has made $69,000 in bonus money. She says she has $15,000 left in her other bank that she uses. Her only credit card that I have seen, and she has more than one, is back up to $10,000. Added up since last January, she has given away $54,000, mostly to her daughter.
None of her bonus money buys anything for our household or marriage. She has no retirement savings, 401Ks or anything. She had a 401K through her work but took that money out and doesn’t recall what it was used for. She is 67 years old. I recently told her that she needs to get help with her spending and that I would support her and stand by her through this. She has decided not to seek help and says she can stop spending on her own.
I have seen this movie over and over for too many years. I live with a woman who has two lives, but her life with her “sponge family” seems more important to her. I’ll take any advice.
-- Hopeless
Dear Hopeless: Your wife’s financial decisions seem to be motivated differently; on one hand, she blows money in a way you’ve defined as a serious spending problem. On the other hand, quite a bit of money is going to her daughter. I can’t help but wonder if her daughter is OK -- has something drastic happened in her life where she needs access to a large chunk of money quickly?
Ultimately, you and your wife need to have an open, honest conversation about your finances. Whether you decide to sit down with a financial adviser to figure out a plan for your joint finances or you keep things entirely individually instead, you must lay everything out on the table -- for money’s sake and your marriage’s sake -- before you can move toward a resolution.
Dear Annie: I am in my mid-30s and have never married or been engaged. I’m feeling frustrated, hopeless and depressed most of the time because of this. Is there really hope?
-- Depressed Help-Seeker
Dear Help-Seeker: Of course there’s hope. I imagine it can be difficult to see your friends and loved ones hit life milestones you feel quite far away from achieving yourself. Remember, there is no exact timeline for when you should be in a serious romantic relationship.
If you’re really committed to finding a partner, try browsing online dating sites. Are there new hobbies or activities you could pursue where you could meet people with similar values and interests? Perhaps one of your close friends could see you hitting things off with someone they know and can initiate a meeting.
It is easier said than done, but don’t be discouraged. Romantic partnership is a big part of life, but it’s not everything. There are so many other ways to feel fulfilled, happy and successful aside from having a boyfriend or husband. Oftentimes, when we stop focusing on the negative or forcing something to happen, things fall into place perfectly on their own.