Q: We are having our second child in less than two months, and it feels so much harder this time. I’m scared and need advice on how to cope. When my first was born four years ago, my husband earned plenty of overtime. My best friend, sister and mother-in-law were a wonderful help during labor and the early newborn months. We even had a postpartum doula who came a few afternoons a week so I could nap or shower.
Things feel very different now. My husband’s agency no longer offers overtime, and he has been passed over for several raises. Plus we’re paying for day care and need a new vehicle that can fit two car seats. My husband’s extremely anxious about our finances. This shows up in depression symptoms (napping for hours, doom-scrolling at night, avoiding his friends) and anger (losing his temper with our son, snapping at me and perceiving very innocent comments as criticism).
My husband is upset that I am not working more hours, because we need the money, but this pregnancy has been a lot harder physically, with extreme nausea, fatigue, worsening of my ADHD, scary complications and a much higher risk of a C-section. I have had to ask him to do more with housework and child care, which is adding to his stress. The house looks like an episode of “Hoarders,” so I can’t even hire a cleaning crew until I declutter first, but I can’t bend over to reach anything on the floor.
The hardest part is feeling as if I have less emotional support from my husband. The women who helped me last time now all have super stressful problems in their own lives and probably won’t be around much. We can’t afford a doula either. Stress is making my pregnancy more dangerous.
How can I keep myself calm now and figure out how to get more support after the baby arrives? I feel as if my husband is burned out at work and at parenting. I want to ask him to see a therapist, but I think he’ll see that as criticism.
- Scared
A: I want to commend you for the courage it takes to reach out for support in such a vulnerable time. Asking for help is a muscle that moms need to flex more often, especially now in your third trimester, because it can make a world of difference for you and your family’s health.
Becoming a mom under any circumstances can feel overwhelming, isolating and scary. Layering on the all-too-common factors you are facing right now makes it even more challenging. But “just because there are new fears this time around because your situation looks different, it doesn’t mean that you can’t find support,” says Kimberly Durdin, a midwife and co-founder of Kindred Space LA, a holistic maternal health practice and birthing center.
Candidly, Durdin is the person I turned to when I felt lost about where to get the support I needed in my third trimester. Some people think midwives only aid in childbirth, but they also deliver compassionate perinatal care that caters to your holistic health: mind, body, spirit. They can offer a range of support and resources, such as helping with debilitating pregnancy symptoms and connecting you with vetted professionals, including a therapist for you and your husband, local support groups for parents or whatever else can help ease this transition for you.
You seem hesitant to talk to your husband about this in your letter, but you need to tell him how his unchecked anger is affecting you and his family. Your primary partnership should be an integral source of support, not another source of stress. Make it clear to him that he needs help managing his stress in a healthier way. And remember: You can’t force him to get help if he isn’t open to it, so it’s imperative that you get the professional support you need to navigate this difficult situation alongside him.
Bottom line: Whether it’s some combination of your doctor, a midwife, a therapist or fellow moms, don’t underestimate the importance of finding solid emotional and mental health support as you navigate the more practical problems in front of you. Having someone to talk to about fears and stressors during pregnancy helps you feel less alone in seeking out solutions.
Speaking of practical solutions, you mentioned not being able to afford a doula, but because there is a higher risk of C-section, you may want to prioritize finding resources to access doula services. These services are free in some states. Many states also have programs such as visiting nurse services to support postpartum women. For example, in Los Angeles County, the Nurse-Family Partnership provides free postpartum support for new mothers for up to two years. Check your county health department’s website for county and state resources.
One of the most essential forms of support you need is found in community. In lieu of the family support you’re used to, Durdin recommends an organization called Postpartum Support International, which offers support groups for perinatal women and dads that can help you both navigate this challenging time. Tapping into local support groups for parents through Facebook is also a great way to seek out more local help.
I know you think the people in your life are too busy to show up for you, but you don’t know if you don’t ask. Could you ask a close friend or family member to help with chores around the house? Instead of sending out a traditional registry with baby items you may already have, could you invite people to donate to a doula or baby nurse fund, or to housecleaning and organizing services? Another clever way to invite support from your community is to set up a meal train for your late pregnancy and postpartum period. Your community can sign up to deliver meals to you through websites such as Take Them a Meal and Meal Train. We included a Meal Train invitation in our birth announcement and had nourishing meals sent to us for the first 40 days postpartum - one of the best forms of support we received.
I hope this is helpful to you. Although none of what you’re dealing with is easy, you are not alone, and you are doing the right thing by asking for help. Keep flexing that muscle, and I hope you see how much of a difference support makes.