DEAR MISS MANNERS: A good friend’s husband hit on me when we were at dinner a few months ago. He always shows up when our group of female friends goes to dinner. The man is rude to waitstaff and picks his teeth at the dinner table.
I will no longer tolerate being around this despicable human. Please give me your thoughts; I do not want to lose these friends.
GENTLE READER: Couples are, by rule, treated as a social unit. That does not mean it is impossible to pry spouses apart in all situations, but this husband has already ignored the most obvious way to do so -- namely, stipulating that none of the men were invited.
By being applied universally, that rule was meant to avoid hurt feelings -- the kind that inevitably follow when one husband is accused of bad manners or bad morals. Since you cannot, politely, make that first accusation, this leaves you with two courses of action.
First, Miss Manners suggests you remind the group that everyone had agreed to a ladies-only event. If that does not work, you may have to have a private, and more serious, talk with your good friend -- one that may not retain her friendship.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband and I invited a small group of friends over for dinner. One member of this group called the morning of the dinner to inform me that she had been sick with a cold all week, and I was welcome to uninvite her from dinner if I wished.
I asked if she thought she was still contagious, and she answered only that she was at the “end stages” of the cold. I have no medical training or special knowledge in this area.
As the hostess, I felt I had an obligation to protect my guests’ health. However, I did not want to exclude a guest who clearly felt she should attend. How should I have responded?
GENTLE READER: Virtue is not always virtuous. Miss Manners recognizes your guest’s intention was to be honest, considerate and accommodating. But as you know, it put you -- neither a medical professional nor aware of the specifics of her case, even if you were -- in an impossible situation.
Her phone call would have been the time to confess any information that may have affected your guests’ decision -- such as another guest’s immunocompromised condition.
But it was not the time to practice medicine without a license. The correct answer remains, “We would love to see you, but we also completely understand that it would be better for you to stay home and recover completely. There will definitely be future opportunities.”
DEAR MISS MANNERS: We have the loveliest neighbors anyone could wish for. They own two sweet cats, who spend their days in the great outdoors.
Our dear neighbor was recently lamenting that they had to “finish” a small bird their cat had attacked. I felt awful for the bird! How do I gently tell our neighbor that pet cats should be kept indoors, or closely supervised when outside? These are bright professionals and I am confident they know this fact.
GENTLE READER: The bird no doubt has a different opinion about the desirableness of your neighbors and the sweetness of their cats. But unless the bird was a member of your household, it is not in your purview to train either the cats or the neighbors.