Dear Annie: My husband and I were together for nine years. During that time, we were married for 3 1/2 years. He’s 76, and I’m 64. When we were first married, I always questioned if he really loved me. I had moved to Florida in part because I felt he lost interest. So, I was shocked when he proposed.
He has been a sober alcoholic for 12 years now. During our first year together, I had numerous health issues. He took out a life insurance policy on me but made no provisions for me in his. He was controlling to the point that he wouldn’t let me eat things I wanted to eat or drink; he said I didn’t load the dishwasher correctly or fold the laundry right; I couldn’t hang pictures on the wall; he picked out my clothes for me; when I wanted to have friends over for lunch, he said no.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough for him. My self-esteem was shot because I couldn’t work at a job and had to go on disability.
In 2021, I couldn’t take it anymore. He yelled, and we argued, and I felt either he would have a heart attack or I would have a nervous breakdown. I was miserable and said awful things to him. I moved out after seeing the movie “Year by the Sea.” It was what I needed to be better for myself and to be better for him for a short time. He ended up divorcing me. I had no attorney, and he wouldn’t even sit down and talk with me.
Five months after the divorce, he asked me to go to Cape Cod, my favorite place. I wanted to be with him so much but was afraid he was just using me and I would end up hurt. We still kept in touch only by text, which was an exhausting way to communicate; he didn’t want family or anyone to know. After a stupid argument a week ago, he said we should block each other. I had questioned his integrity (with good reason).
He was a good provider and has many good qualities, and I still love him, but it seems no matter how hard I try, I keep saying the wrong things.
I know if he has me blocked I can do nothing. But he has blocked me before and I thought things were final after the divorce.
We have had incidents where it feels as if we are both on each other’s minds at the same time. I feel it is still not over with us. He says he hasn’t been with anyone else, nor have I. My heart is breaking. I honestly feel we could still work things out. My friends say to get over him, and I’m sure his do, too. I think we both have moved on somewhat, and yet there is still something there, and I think he knows that, too.
He has 17 grandkids, and I don’t have any. I miss them. I didn’t marry him for his money, and I have unconditional love for him. Should I just get over him? After all, if he doesn’t even call, and only texts, what does that say?
-- Missing My Ex
Dear Missing My Ex: There is not much that is calm and peaceful about this relationship. He was incredibly controlling and verbally abusive, and your self- esteem suffered as a result. Then you got out of the situation, and now you are asking if you should go back in. I say once a tiger shows you their stripes, believe them the first time. This guy is not good for you and will only cause you more pain. There are plenty of men who will take you to Cape Cod and not abuse you. You deserve better. Just because you are no longer with him does not mean that you can’t have individual relationships with his grandchildren.