DEAR MISS MANNERS: My twin sister and I got shower invitations that we don’t understand. It’s for a close friend of ours from high school who just got engaged, and the hostess is another friend of hers we don’t know very well.
It says, “Gift-free shower!”
We’ve never heard of such a thing. Does this mean she only wants cash? The couple are very well-off, much more than either of us.
We like our friend very much and want to celebrate her engagement, but we don’t know what to get her. She and her fiance have been together for three years, plus it’s a second marriage for both, so they each have a lot of stuff. There is no registry on their site.
What are we supposed to do?
GENTLE READER: Go to the party and celebrate your friend’s engagement by having a good time with her and her other friends.
That’s it.
Miss Manners has been hearing of such a thing lately, but could hardly believe it: in these grabby days, a party just for the fun of it? A couple who do their own shopping, and do not even expect their friends to pay them for getting married?
Yet apparently some people really are tired of the present-gouging routine, which has become meaningless. Now and then, a host will issue instructions that guests should not bring presents to the celebration of a birthday, graduation or wedding. And they actually mean it; it is not a way to collect money instead of goods.
The pleasure in the custom of exchanging presents is supposed to derive from the possibility of surprising someone with something that person would like, but hadn’t thought of, or had wanted, but hadn’t acquired (for whatever reason). It is a symbolic way of saying, “I notice you, I think I understand you, and I’ve been thinking about what might please you.”
The catch was having to think. And possibly to guess wrong. Everyone has stories of the present that failed.
So the system was pretty much scuttled in favor of letting the recipient choose the presents. After all, who better would know what that person wanted?
But this came with a different catch. Instead of “I understand you,” this practice says, “I have your shopping list.” What is the pleasure in giving or receiving if the sentiment has been removed?
So Miss Manners is delighted at the idea of gift-free celebrations. She will even reluctantly suspend her rule against stating “no presents” (or, if you want people to cringe, “Your presence is our present”) because the host should not even be thinking about getting a haul.
In return, please stop calling these parties “showers,” a term that screams that presents will be the main purpose.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have some lovely sterling soup spoons that match my set, but I never use them because I don’t like soup. Is there an alternative course I can bring these out for?
GENTLE READER: Pretend that they are dessert spoons. Only Miss Manners knows the difference.