Dear Wayne and Wanda,
My fiancé and I dated for several years before we got engaged, and during that time of dating, and after eventually moving in together, we pretty much went 50-50 on bills. I appreciated that we approached financial situations as equals, even though she honestly makes a little more than I do.
Fast forward to our engagement, which has included some serious and necessary conversations about the future, like when we want to have kids, whether we want to stay in Alaska forever, and what our retirement goals are. I was happy and unsurprised to find we were fairly aligned on all fronts. Until we got to the topic of daily expenses and paying bills.
She basically said she has always looked forward to marriage because it means being taken care of by her husband financially. She doesn’t plan to quit working necessarily, but she also said that’s not off the table, especially when we have kids. She said she would love to be a stay-at-home mom, like her mom was able to do. Overall, she expects me to take the lead on expenses and while she will help with some bills, she never wants to have to buy herself dinner or drinks again.
I was pretty stunned by this after years of happily splitting the tab. Why is it suddenly different once we’re married? And why would such a successful and modern woman have this opinion? I was so surprised, I barely argued with her but I know I need to revisit this. How should I approach this?
Wanda says:
While your future wife’s position may seem surprising, consider that she is modeling this after her own parents’ arrangement: a primary breadwinner, a primary parent, with the breadwinner supporting the other parent’s freedom to invest substantially in child-rearing. Whether this is gender-specific in her mind is one thing to dig into, because in 2023, there are plenty of families where the father is the stay-at-home, and the mom is the wage-earner — and as you noted she makes more, so this is certainly worth discussing.
These conversations, of course, are complicated. It is worth considering how much of one’s identity is defined by their profession and whether or not working would actually bring discontent. Or, on the contrary, is one simply phoning it in at a lackluster job and dreaming of days of freedom from the nine-to-five?
But personal dreams and aspirations aside, how do the wishes of two individuals blend as a plan for being a successful couple? That is the big question here. She may not want to work. You may not want to foot the bills. You may both want kids. Or not. Now is the time — before you get married — to sort through these tough topics. That said, in 2023, there is no chivalric code that demands you as the bearer of the XY chromosome pay for martinis and sandwiches. Good luck.
Wayne says:
First, let me commend you both for modeling excellent relationship communication, and having the dealbreaker and big-and-little dreams conversations every step of the way, and long before making the ultimate commitment. I believe, framed the right way, you can turn this recent discussion into an opportunity to further strengthen your communication and partnership. And you’ll need it, because if you do marry and have the kids and the house and the family SUV and all of the toys and the colleges and your retirement funds, you’ve got a lot of difficult conversations coming, many of them dealing with money.
I think you can handle it. I appreciate you coming to Wanda and me for advice, but I don’t think you need it. I think you just got jolted, anxious, and a little freaked when faced with her surprise expectations about married life and becoming a one-income family once your family grows … and you carry the financial weight. But reframe this as the start of a negotiation instead of a this-or-that scenario: it’s an opportunity to find a middle ground and talk about best fits for your family and possible alternatives, like you always have.
Do the math with your wife and see, in black and white, if the life you want for your family and future is even possible with one income. Then calculate how things would look if you continue with two incomes and day care. Talk about hiring a nanny if your wife finds a way to work from home full- or part-time to continue bringing in some income and maintaining benefits. Or maybe you can both balance work-from-home schedules and have the chance to be close to the young ones before their school days. If your wife does quit her job and stay at home, can you find the time and energy for side hustles? And for sure you tell her you’d like to be wined-and-dined on occasion, too, whether you’re the breadwinner or not. You’re basically using the family credit card anyway, right?
Reality is, this scenario is a few years away. It’s great that you’re talking about it now. Life, love and the future are so fluid that who knows how you’ll both feel and where you’ll be with jobs, money, housing, date nights, and timing for kids after the wedding. So, both of you take a deep breath together, calm down, and keep talking. I believe in you both to make the best decision for the partnership, like you always have.