DEAR MISS MANNERS: I work for a municipality, and while I am fairly new to my specific job, I am not new to municipal government. However, this is a very small city and the work environment is close quarters.
Whether because of the city’s size or just the mentality of the people employed here, it is not a very progressive workplace. A lot of the people I work with use derogatory and inappropriate language, speak ill of the public, are less than gracious about lifestyles and personal choices, and are just intolerant in general. I do not feel comfortable reporting any of the things I hear because the culture of this city seems to start at the top and trickle down to all those employed here.
When I don’t participate in my co-workers’ conversations, even walking away when a conversation around me takes a less-than-accepting tone, they tend to glare at me. I don’t really fit in and I feel uncomfortable at work all the time.
This job is my only source of income, but I certainly don’t feel fulfilled here. I also don’t feel safe expressing my own personal thoughts or ideas around my co-workers. I guess what I am asking is: What is your best advice in this situation? What do you think I should do?
GENTLE READER: We live in crusading times, so you have no doubt already been counseled on how to put your co-workers in their place, and on why (per these counselors) you have a moral duty to do so.
Miss Manners will, instead, answer your question, which is about how to interact with people whose beliefs you find objectionable -- without losing either your dignity or your job.
The answer is to maintain a professional distance, which is almost the last thing people think of doing in a professional situation. If the behavior is objectionable enough to affect others, as opposed to their grousing among themselves, you may someday have to say so. But until that time, if you can walk away, do so -- excusing yourself by saying you have work to do.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I am visiting my daughter-in-law, who is the widow of my late son. Her mother took me to her weekly knitting group and introduced me as her “friend,” rather than as her daughter’s mother-in-law.
That describes who we are, but does not adequately describe our relationship. We certainly are friends, but we are much more. We are family united by our children. We can think of no one word to describe that relationship. Can you?
GENTLE READER: Whether “mother-in-law” counts as one word or three, Miss Manners would have thought the phrase “my daughter’s mother-in-law” sufficiently succinct.
The real question is, given the warm feelings you share toward each other, is that description more, or less, demonstrative than calling you a friend? Even relatives can disagree on this point.