Dear Annie: My 35-year-old son is about to be married in November. This would be his second marriage. From his first marriage, he had two wonderful children who are now 10 and 13. When my son got divorced from his first wife, my granddaughter was 3.
Here’s maybe my problem: I have been in contact with my grandkids’ mom for forever. We have a wonderful relationship, and everyone knows that, even my son. When I met his soon-to-be second wife, I told her that I had a very good relationship with my grandkids’ mom because I wanted to be in my grandkids’ lives as much as possible. She never said anything bad about this or disagreed in any way.
About five months ago, we had a family gathering. It was my three kids, who are adults now, and my grandkids and my husband and my soon-to-be daughter-in-law. We were having a great time playing cards. My husband accidentally mentioned my ex-daughter-in-law’s name, and I turned to look at my son, who was looking at his fiancee, and I just knew something was going to happen. She was furious.
So, Annie, it’s been five months since that happened. My son stopped coming to see us -- just complete silence. I have been a wonderful mother-in-law to his fiancee, and I was not expecting this reaction. My son and I had a very good relationship, so that’s what’s killing me. I think my future daughter-in-law is overreacting and my son will not speak up, fearing maybe of a breakup. So, Annie, I’m thinking of not going to the wedding because I’m hurt that she went this far without a word.
-- Sad Mom
Dear Sad Mom: It seems that there is more to this story. If you had already addressed your relationship with your former daughter-in-law with your son’s fiancee, why would she react with such horror by the mere mention of a name? Is it possible that she was never truly OK with your son’s ex?
Whatever the story is, you should reach out to both your son and your future daughter-in-law individually and explain that you never intended to cause pain or discomfort, and that you look forward to welcoming your son’s fiancee into your family with open arms. As long as they both know you love and accept their marriage, you should be able to work things out.
And assuming the couple still wants you there, I highly recommend that you attend the wedding. Opting out due to your own hurt feelings is petty and will only make reconciliation more difficult.