Q: I’m in my late 20s, have a great job, and live in a city I love. I’m also in a long-term relationship of almost seven years but unmarried. My partner also has a great job but has decided to change careers and go to law school. He’s studying for the entrance exam and has his eye on two universities, one in the city we currently live in and another a few hours away.
I’m fine with his decision to change career paths and do something he believes will be more fulfilling. There are just a few issues on my end. He hasn’t told anyone in our families yet and doesn’t want me to say anything to them until he’s accepted into law school. I don’t have any real close friends (that’s a problem for another time since making friends is hard), and I feel like I have no one to talk to about these changes and the potential stress we’re about to face.
Aside from the assumed debt of law school, there’s also the additional burden of our lease ending before him knowing where he wants to go to school. Then there’s the reality that he most likely will not work or will work part-time during his first few semesters (and we live in a relatively expensive city, which means I would most likely foot the bill of many expenses). I’m also anxious about the added stress that law school could put on both of us and our relationship.
Am I absolutely crazy for sticking around for this, especially when we’re not married? He’s my best friend, and I know he’s more than capable of achieving his goals, but I worry I’ll go through these life changes based on his motives without thinking about myself first. Not to mention how much stress it feels could be compounded on my shoulders for the next few years. Keeping my mouth shut has been eating me up inside and I want to feel confident going forward, not just like I’m along for the ride.
A: I’m sorry you don’t have friends to process all of this with but if I were your friend, I’d ask why you are staying silent and letting it eat you up inside instead of talking to your partner. Especially if he is, as you say, your best friend? Are you afraid of discouraging him or putting a damper on his dreams? Has he asked you how you feel about all of this? If not, this feels like a red flag.
When you are in a committed partnership and you are the one initiating life decisions that affect both people, you have a responsibility to your partner to create an open dialogue to work through the possibilities together. If he wants you to go along for this ride - especially if there’s any expectation of you financially supporting him along the way - he owes you an upfront conversation. Whether his desire is for you to consider relocating with him or to go long-distance, he can’t expect you to agree to a half-baked, under-communicated plan. This lack of communication could be a sign of larger issues, because open communication is vital to any relationship.
However, I imagine that he, too, is experiencing bouts of anxiety about this major life transition. Have you asked him why he isn’t ready to let anyone else in on his law school goals yet? No matter his reasoning, it doesn’t negate your need for more of a support system to help think through all the potential changes ahead.
I know you say the friendship void you’re feeling is a problem for another day but it may be more of a factor here than you think. When your social life outside of your relationship is lacking, the problems within your relationship can seem bigger. In lieu of built-in community, seek out a therapist to work through this with, because if you don’t get it all out, it will continue eating you up inside.
As frustrating as it is to feel left in the dark on so many questions that impact your future, be mindful to not operate on assumption. How do you know that your partner has any expectation of you to step up financially or to even relocate with him? Maybe he plans to take out loans and wants to pursue a long-distance relationship with you. Are you two even on the same page about the future of the relationship? These are all things you have to talk about directly to avoid spinning your wheels unnecessarily.
While he should have initiated these important discussions with you, we can’t deal in “shoulds.” At this point, the ball is in your court. Before approaching him about any of this, it is really important that you get clear on your own goals and desires for the next few years of your life. You won’t get these years back and the reality is you’re not married, so you shouldn’t make moves like someone who is. Take a beat to journal and discuss with your therapist how your partner can support your goals and what you are willing to sacrifice in helping him reach his. Then determine what your non-negotiables are and how to communicate them.
You asked if it’s “crazy” to go along with all of this, and, frankly, it is if you don’t confront all aspects of what this means for you head on. Relationships are about compromise. But it isn’t selfish to think about and prioritize your own desires when negotiating what that compromise looks like - especially before you merge your plans with someone else’s. I hope you two talk it all out and get on the same page ASAP. This constant state of silence and stress is no way to live.