DEAR MISS MANNERS: The scenario: Four friends gather at a cafe, looking forward to catching up. A woman with a tenuous connection to one of the four comes over to chat while waiting for her dining companion, who never shows. She proceeds to sit at the table, eat her lunch and monopolize the conversation.
How can we handle this in the future, short of securing a smaller table, which isn’t often available? What is a polite way to say, “Get lost”?
GENTLE READER: Definitely not “Please get lost.”
But it is true that Miss Manners believes in using gentle means to avoid being imposed upon, and has been known to devise these means. So here goes: Do not wait until the intruder has begun lunch. At that point you are stuck. It would be too awkward to expect her to pick up her food and move.
But if you can catch her before she sits down, or when she realizes that her companion is not arriving, you can say, “We’re having a sort of meeting here that would bore you. I’m afraid you will have to excuse us. We’d be glad to see you some other time.”
Let us not quibble about softening the wording. You and your friends are, indeed, meeting, even if you are not holding a meeting. And everyone knows that “some other time” means never.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a good friend who visits my house at least once a month for casual conversation. My problem is that she is very demanding.
On one visit, when I offered her iced tea or lemonade, she told me she didn’t want either. She said that before her next visit, I should buy her favorite soda -- which she described by brand, flavor and where I could purchase it. On another occasion, when I provided her with a cup of hot tea, she told me she didn’t like it and asked me what other brands I had.
Although I have a comfortable couch, on one occasion she told me to get up from my easy chair to let her sit there instead. After a dinner party with other guests, she said, “You have food left over. I’d like to take some home with me.”
I’ve accommodated her on all these occasions, but I am really starting to resent the various demands. I almost don’t want her visiting anymore because the event becomes so joyless.
She has never invited me to her place because she says it is too small and messy, so I always host. I don’t feel that I am required to give in to all her demands, but I don’t know how to politely refuse. Suggestions?
GENTLE READER: Raise your standards for what constitutes a good friend?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: What is the best way to avoid explaining your preferences? Like, when you’re asked for the reason you don’t like a particular movie, food or person?
I’m looking for a polite phrase to avoid being pressed for an explanation for something I don’t want to explain.
GENTLE READER: “Tastes differ.” This should be accompanied by a philosophical smile and a shrug. If you need an illustration of the gesture, Miss Manners suggests watching old French movies.