Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I have been seeing “Anne” for about a year. I don’t go out much but we met at a bar and things got serious quickly. She moved in after just a few weeks — we didn’t so much discuss it as she started staying over and just never left.
Anne is a truly unique woman — fun-loving, passionate, feisty, incredibly loyal, and she’s probably the most physically beautiful woman I’ve ever dated. She’s funny, she lights up every room, and I love and trust her. But it didn’t take long for me to see Anne’s flaws. She hasn’t really had a job the whole time we’ve been together. There’s no reason she can’t work; I just think she doesn’t want to. She had a baby young, and her daughter had a baby young, so she spends most of her time hanging out with her daughter and granddaughter. In the meantime, I’m pretty serious about my job, and I pay all the bills — mine and hers.
At first it made me proud to be able to care for her, but as time has passed, I’m growing resentful. When I’ve brought up her working, she says she’s looking but hasn’t found anything. I don’t know if this is true. When I mention it would be nice to have help with finances, she points out that I make a lot of money, and we already have more than we need.
Meanwhile, I’ve been looking back at my relationship history, and I’m afraid I see a pattern of picking women who, generally speaking, need to be taken care of. Anne isn’t the first girlfriend who has maybe taken advantage of my generosity.
I need advice. I don’t know where to go from here. I truly love Anne, but I am frustrated with our situation.
Wanda says:
Financial disagreements are a leading cause of many a breakup and divorce. Some couples have a hard time navigating mismatched spending philosophies. Others argue over one partner’s amassed debt or secret spending habits.
Another frequent issue is navigating emotions and logistics when one partner’s earnings far outpace the other’s. This imbalanced dynamic can lead to the lower wage-earner feeling inadequate and lacking control, while the higher earner may feel resentful of their responsibility or, as in your case, taken advantage of.
This isn’t a situation you necessarily signed up for, or were actively seeking out, but that doesn’t leave you blameless. You are half of this relationship and therefore half responsible for letting things get to this point. Anne barreled into your life like a party tornado ready to show you a good time, and in a daze, you passively allowed patterns and norms to form.
Time for a long overdue conversation: Tell Anne that she needed to contribute to household bills and get serious about a job search. Be prepared for a hard conversation. When an adult of Anne’s age and experience is embracing unemployment and letting a partner take on all the bills and grown-up duties, there is very likely something bigger in play here than simple laziness.
Wayne says:
Well, it took numerous years of your adult life, probably the majority of your retirement fund, a series of hookups and breakups, and an extended stay-over with a hot grandma who loves you, but you’ve finally identified that you have a type. Congrats. Now I’m going to identify what type you are: a sugar daddy — and in this case, a sugar granddaddy, too. Years of therapy and a midlife crisis sports car would have been a lot cheaper.
But seriously though, why all of this introspection and stress now? At this point in your life, why not just embrace who you are, what gives you pleasure and fulfillment (taking care of your woman), who and what you love, and the sugar daddy lifestyle that you’ve pretty much grown into? Instead, you’re beating yourself up, upsetting a woman you love, and shaking up a seemingly steady relationship because after a year you suddenly want some help with groceries and bills. Come on, man.
Now, it’s never too late to change your life, change your mind or change your path. If you’re truly doing some serious introspection and clarifying your expectations of your romantic partners, and that clarity is pointing you toward something entirely different than how you’ve operated your whole life, then own that 100%. Have that hard talk with Anne, and be prepared to kick her to the curb if she doesn’t understand, which she likely won’t.
[Wayne and Wanda: I love my boyfriend but his free spending has me concerned for our future together]