Miss Manners: Why is it so hard for some restaurants to remove discarded items from tables?

DEAR MISS MANNERS: It appears that servers at casual-dining establishments are not trained to remove trash from tables. Every time I dine at one, my companions and I are soon faced with a pile of trash on the table and no place to put it: paper straw wrappers, creamer cups, used sugar packets and the sticky papers that are used in place of napkin rings.

Either I gather up this debris and dispose of it at the hostess stand or in the restroom, or it sits there the entire meal.

Yes, I can ask the server to take it, but I feel awkward holding onto small handfuls of trash and handing them to a server. What does Miss Manners advise? Am I doomed to look at trash for my entire meal?

GENTLE READER: Although the availability of non-casual dining declines every day, Miss Manners would like to believe that there is limited overlap between restaurants with paper napkins and those that employ roving waitstaff. As she waits for it to disappear entirely (the use of paper napkins, not formal dining), she has no objection to your pushing the detritus into a neat pile under the shade of the artificial floral centerpiece.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: While sharing a vacation home with another couple, I offered to cook a special meal. Everyone agreed to this. My wife and I were the guests of the other (more affluent) couple.

When it was about time to prepare the meal, all of the others, including my wife, crowded the kitchen and made snacks for themselves. Was it wrong for me to be offended by this behavior, and what should I have said?

GENTLE READER: “Begone! You must give the chef room to create!”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How long does one need to keep something that is left behind at your house and ensure it’s in the same condition when returned?

For example, a cooler, which its owner forgot when they left dinner in a huff because they got mad at their brother (whole other story there).

I’ve made repeated attempts to get them to come get it, as I cannot drive due to medical conditions. I do not have a garage, so I kept it inside my home for a long time. The owner eventually said to keep it outside and they will get it when they can. Well, it’s covered in pollen and sometimes collects rain, so I keep having to clean it.

Do I even have a responsibility to make sure it is returned in good condition when I have tried to return it?

GENTLE READER: Once you have asked that the item be reclaimed, the item -- and also the person to whom it belongs -- is on a deadline.

The length of that deadline will depend on the value of the item to the owner, how much of an imposition it is on you to store it, and your relationship to the owner -- any of which may change over time.

Although Miss Manners does not limit the value of an item to its monetary value, she presumes that a cooler can have little sentimental value, and that it takes up space. As your fondness for the owner diminishes, so, too, may the cleanings.