My boyfriend and I got back together after a mutual break. Now we’re engaged but I’m still jealous of his hiatus girlfriend.

Dear Wayne and Wanda,

I’m in a long-term relationship with “Ben.” We started dating in our early 20s, and after many years together, we didn’t have any real direction — we hadn’t moved in together, and we hadn’t really talked about marriage. So at my request, we took a break, with the understanding we would take time and see other people if we wanted, and see if life brought us back together.

That’s exactly what happened. We didn’t date and actually barely spoke for a couple years. We both went on dates. We stayed connected on social media but didn’t really engage with each other or talk. But after two years, I missed him and reached out, and he missed me too. So we decided to try again, and we both agreed the time apart made us appreciate each other more, get clearer on what it is we wanted, and commit to a more permanent future with marriage in mind. After about a year together again, he proposed earlier this summer, and I said yes.

My only hang-up at this point is “Jessica.” Ben met Jessica when we were on our hiatus. They dated. At first, he framed it as a casual thing. But I learned later they were together for almost a year. Now they still talk frequently and sometimes hang out and consider each other friends. They are on each other’s social media. I’ve met her and she’s very nice — and also gorgeous, accomplished, funny. He insists they are just friends but I have this raging jealousy about her. I don’t know if I can cope with the fact that he wants this woman in his life when she was the one person he was serious about during our time apart.

I don’t want this to destroy our bond and relationship but it’s making me crazy. Advice?

Wanda says:

Ah if only we could change the rules retroactively, go back and time and say something like, “Babe, remember when I said it was cool if we dated other people and see where things went? Well that would only be cool if we didn’t get back together. Or if you went on meaningless first dates and realized how much you missed me. Or if you wallowed at home and never even attempted to romantically socialize.” You get the idea.

You guys separated with clear rules of engagement, or non-engagement as it were, and he literally followed all the rules. I’m guessing you didn’t — meaning, while you dabbled in dating, no one held your attention for a year. I’m sure it’s troubling and confusing that while you foundered and floundered, without a serious prospect, he managed to connect with someone interesting and cool. And I’m sure it’s challenging now to your ego and sense of self that he’s keeping her around.

Let’s reset: He chose you. He came back to you, he proposed to you, and he’s been completely honest and open about his enduring friendship with Jessica and hasn’t given you any reason to mistrust him, right? So really, this isn’t about Ben. This is about you and your self-esteem. If you want to move forward in a healthy way, you need to give Ben the benefit of the doubt. Trust me: if you demonstrate you trust and respect him, your confidence and support will make you all the more attractive to him as a romantic partner.

Wayne says:

Exactly, Wanda! Hello, Ms. Letter Writer — Ben chose you! Jessica and Ben didn’t work out for reasons you didn’t tell us ... and possibly Ben didn’t entirely tell you, either. Maybe, just maybe, it was actually just a casual thing for them. Heck, maybe you were the reason he wasn’t serious — he couldn’t get past you and ultimately hoped to get you back? But who cares at this point? Seriously. You won! So celebrate, don’t player hate.

And so what if they were together for a week, a month or a year? You and Ben weren’t dating and you had no concrete plans on getting back together; he could do whatever he wanted, just like you could. And so what if they are still connected on social media and hang in similar circles? You’re sleeping with him and marrying him. That’s about as close and real as it gets.

It’s pretty wild that you basically left the future of this relationship and potential reconnection with Ben to fate or luck or whatever direction the southcentral winds blew you two. And then you were brought back together, stronger than ever, more in love than ever. Wow! There’s no reason to be hung up on anything or anyone. You should really be glad Jessica came into his life. He dated. He saw what else was out there. And even with all of Jessica’s incredible qualities that are driving you crazy, she still wasn’t enough for him. All it took was one call from you after years apart for him to come running back with a new mindset on marriage and an engagement ring to boot.

If you can’t see how good you’ve got it, and how unbelievable this journey was that brought you to this place, maybe you need another break from him for clarity. I don’t think that’s what you want. So just move the heck on from Jessica and move forward forever with Ben.