Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I work a shift schedule on the North Slope that makes it hard to meet people. This past year after much resistance on my part (and my sister’s ongoing encouragement), I finally decided to give online dating a try.
I recently struck up a connection with “Beth.” I loved her photos of travel — she came off as adventurous and curious, two great qualities in my opinion. After chatting through the app, we switched to email, then texting. Because of my schedule, and just the way the pacing went, we were six weeks into talking before we finally met, and by this point I felt things were getting pretty serious. I know that might sound weird since we hadn’t even met, but we had some pretty deep conversations and shared some pretty personal details about ourselves and what we were looking for.
So finally I was in town and ready and able to take Beth on a date. Imagine my shock when I met Beth at the restaurant and she was nothing like her pictures showed. Her hair looked more grayish than blond. She definitely didn’t look as healthy or youthful as in her photos — meaning she looked like she’d put on a little weight but was also possibly several years older. By several, maybe 10? Or more? Also on the phone she was so open and bubbly, but in person, the conversation felt forced.
Now I feel like a bad guy because here I had this awesome connection with a person, and once I saw her, I let all my superficial reactions kick in and take over, and on my end, everything instantly turned platonic. Beth is still messaging and I feel like a jerk. I also am ready to shut down my online profile now that this turned out so badly. Any advice?
Wanda says:
First of all, cut yourself some slack. You’re a unique human who has personal preferences that can’t be forcibly manipulated to suddenly feel sexual attraction. I’m sure this situation and reversal of fortune have left you feeling confused: When you were chatting with Beth from your sad Slope digs up North, she was a ray of sunshine. In real life, she hit more like a gloomy cloud.
Some might say to see Beth again and give the situation a second chance. I say don’t. This is a situation where you need to trust your intuition and go with your gut, and do Beth a service by not wasting her time. She seems like a perfectly nice person. She’s just not your person. As for her photos not quite reflecting her current state, well, she’s not the first online dater to self-select and post the most flattering images, and she won’t be the last.
In fact that’s kind of the point of online dating. We can curate and present a precise image of our best (and best-looking) selves to the outside world. This means we can also take liberties and exaggerate, but don’t give up on online dating. It can be a great way to meet people. Just remember that, just like dating in the real world, it’s not always easy, or fun, and it does take time and patience.
Wayne says:
Well, it sounds like Beth was under the impression that you were a pretty sweet guy, but now you’re considering ghosting her after some serious long-distance relationship-building. I guess you both got your hopes up and fooled each other. That can happen after six weeks — six weeks! — of talking. At least you feel like a jerk about it; so maybe you really are a good guy after all?
Welcome to the wild world of online dating. There are no rules. Nothing is as it seems. Trust is dangerous. And so is getting your hopes up beyond being generally hopeful about meeting someone. And even that attitude can backfire as it’s not unusual to go on long dry spells of seeing the same profiles over and over again, or finding nonstop dead ends, and for prospective connections to completely disappear on your or potential dates to completely flake on you.
Some of this played out in your first connection and date, and you survived. For someone with your schedule, online dating is a great way to meet people, so don’t quit. Just remember the only things you can control in online dating are your profile and actions. So don’t be like Beth. Be true to yourself and honest with everyone you meet online and in person. Be a stand-up guy and tell Beth sorry, but you just aren’t into her.
And moving forward, remember how this one played out. Don’t get too fired up or prolong communication (six weeks!) before actually meeting the person. Great conversations are amazing, but physical chemistry is often the true make-or-break to early connections. I know it’s tough tempering your emotions when you’re lonely and you think you’ve found someone special. But as you’ve learned, they may be special but they might not be right for you. Good luck buddy.
[We met on an app, IRL our chemistry was great, so why no second date?]
[I haven’t dated in years. How can I tell if my new guy is ghosting — and what should I do about it?]
[He says he’s into me, but his Facebook profile says he’s ‘in a relationship’ with his ex]