Hi Wayne and Wanda,
My boyfriend (age 26) and I (age 25) have been together for two years. However, there are a few things which I’m concerned about.
One is that he has absolutely zero social media evidence of our relationship, and he doesn’t really like the thought of me posting anything of him on my Facebook. He is also hesitant to have “in a relationship” on his profile.
I am a person who wants marriage, commitment and to build a future with someone. Whenever I try to talk to him about the future, he says, “We’ll see what happens, you could hate me in a year,” or, “If we were to get married, it would be because you want to and I’ll just roll over.”
I have also mentioned moving in with each other. He owns his own home, as do I. However we only see each other once or twice a week and I require more than that amount of time with my other half, but I also just want to be there for him when he finishes work, and to cook him dinner and build a deeper connection with each other. Whenever I bring it up, he kind of avoids or changes the topic or makes a joke.
I suppose my question is, am I being unreasonable for being upset about the lack of progress this relationship seems to be having? Is he showing signs of not being fully committed to me and this relationship? Personally, I only commit to relationships where I see a future. I don’t take them lightly. I’m just worried I’m wasting my time trying to progress this relationship toward a future together when he doesn’t want to do that.
Wanda says:
I think there are two big questions facing you. One is: Are you happy with where your relationship is right now? The second is: Does your relationship have potential to expand into something more serious and permanent in the future? Let’s focus on the first question and the matter of your current happiness. What you describe wanting right now, today, is not what you’re getting. You want a partner who gives you time and is there for you, not just emotionally but physically. While that could mean moving in together, at the very least it means spending more than one or two nights together a week. You’re yearning for the kind of adult intimacy that comes with sharing space, domestic activities, and downtime — which is normal, and completely valid!
And while striking the right balance of relationship shout-outs and photos on social media is always tricky, striving for balance implies there’s, well, at least some content — and he’s resisted any mutual publicly visible mentions, which is definitely a red flag. Yes, privacy should be respected, and we all use social media differently, but it’s highly suspect that two years in, he’s still shrouding your relationship in a cloak of invisibility.
My advice: it’s commendable that you know what you want down the road in the future, but you can’t get there until you have found happiness in the present, and the relationship you describe sounds unfulfilling and imbalanced, especially at two years in. It’s time for a hard talk with your significant other where you explain the things you need now, today, to stay in this relationship.
Wayne says:
You’ve given this two years. You’ve communicated to your boyfriend, and us, very clearly what you expect for the present and future of this relationship and all relationships. Yet you remain unfulfilled, your boyfriend increasingly confuses if not gaslights you, and the future is murky at best.
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable with your needs and wants, or with your annoyance at the lack of relationship progress. In fact, I think it’s great that you know exactly what you want. But I also don’t think your boyfriend is ready for a serious commitment, despite basically hanging in there with you for two years. Is he even checking off any of your relationship boxes at this point?
He won’t share a photo of you two traveling, dining, having fun or chillaxing. He isn’t thrilled about the opportunity of eating a homemade dinner and talking with you after work a few times a week. He isn’t open to seriously discussing the future. So many red flags and I know you see them or you wouldn’t have written.
Hopefully, the tough talk that Wanda recommends provides a moment of clarity for him — what his life will be like without you. That could spell a deeper commitment, the end of the relationship, or more of his usual flightiness. Either way, you’ll have your answer about a future with him. The only question is: If the conversation doesn’t go positively, are you ready to finally stand behind your strong beliefs and expectations for relationships and move on to find what you say you truly want in life and love?