Dear Wayne and Wanda,
I have a big family and we all live in the area. My parents remain in town, as do a handful of aunts, uncles and cousins, and all five of my siblings live here. My family is close and we get together often. I admit, our dynamic isn’t for everyone. We’re loud, we talk over each other, we’re very active, and you’re more likely to find us having a big backyard potluck with the tunes cranked up than you’ll see us having a calm sit-down dinner.
My wife is the quiet type, definitely introverted. We met and dated in college in the Lower 48, got engaged, and I convinced her to give Anchorage a try. After we got married, we moved back here. I recognize my family is very different from hers — she is an only child, her parents divorced when she was young. Initially, I could tell our get-togethers were somewhat overwhelming for her, and I told her any time she wanted to sit out a gathering and stay home, she was welcome to.
The problem is now she sits out everything. She won’t even come to my parents’ house for dinner. I finally convinced her to join a Fourth of July gathering at my parents’ cabin for the weekend, the first time she’d been at a group event in months. She spent most of the time reading by the lake while the rest of us were kayaking or playing cards or hanging out on the deck. When I encouraged her to join us, she got defensive. Meanwhile my family made jokes about how she hates them. It felt like I was covering and back-pedaling the whole time.
I love my wife, and as much as I enjoy our mellow vibe and calm life at home, I also love my loud, crazy family, and I wish she’d embrace the energy and see how fun and loving they can be. Any advice on how to bring her into the fold?
Wanda says:
It’s easy to confuse the concept of being an introvert with the state of being antisocial. They aren’t the same at all. Introverts can of course be incredibly friendly and conversational and have fun doing it — even if it drains them. That’s a big difference between introverts and extroverts: the former loses energy when engaging with others and needs solo down time to build it up again, while the latter is energized and enlivened by interacting with others.
So throwing your introverted wife into the deep end of a proverbial family pool party probably isn’t the best way to socialize her to the perks of your clan’s closeness. Try some bite-sized approaches here. Dinner with your parents is an excellent option — one you offered, it sounds like. But make it clear to her, upon requesting her presence, that this isn’t your parents and everyone else. It’s just the four of you for a dinner, not an entire weekend at a cabin, and after the two-hours-or-so, you’ll return to your cozy home.
By setting up occasional social opportunities that are more contained, less frenzied, and more defined in scope, you’re creating a reasonable opportunity for your wife to bond with your family. Because you kindly earlier gave her a hall pass on joining in on the big gatherings, you will probably have to — again, kindly — explain that while the huge come-togethers remain optional, you need here to participate in these smaller-group, shorter-time-limited outings — not just because it’s important to you, but because it’s important to your marriage.
Wayne says:
You love your wife. You love your family. You want them together happily. So why in the heck did you give your timid wife a free pass from family gatherings and your family a free pass to make fun of your wife? Your attempts to please everyone are actually upsetting everyone: your wife, your family, and yourself.
After the fireworks on the Fourth, things are bad and you have to fix this mess before it gets worse. Moving forward, no one gets off the hook: your wife isn’t exempt from attending any and all family gatherings; and your family can’t just tease you or her just because she isn’t wired like your wild people.
You were practically poetic in your note about your wife and your life. Share that energy with her and how important it is to you that she is part of your family and life, and that it hurts when she isn’t around when everyone gathers. Don’t use guilt; spill your heart. Hopefully she appreciates that and you will continue to appreciate her sensitivities and the occasional need for a night off. Then talk to the family instigators about how your wife is sensitive, and you’re sensitive about her sensitivities, and that she is trying but their crap-talking isn’t making it any easier for her or you. They need to respect that. Doesn’t mean they have to dial down the fun or the volume. They just have to cut out the unnecessary jokes about her.
By standing up for yourself and everyone else, you’ll hopefully get a reset that strikes a true balance and understanding with your two parties and between them that leads to a better space to party on.
[Ask Amy: I’m finding it difficult to leave the house. How do I get past this?]
[Miss Manners: I’m fed up with huggers. How do I make them stop?]