We hope everyone is having a safe and happy holiday weekend. For Wanda and Wayne, and one recent letter writer, the fireworks started early when a friendship malfunction set off a string of firecrackers responses (some in ALL CAPS) from readers: “My best friend was a hit at our July 4 camping trip, but I don’t want her there this year,” on June 10.
The writer was seeking some independence from friend “Julie,” asking how she could uninvite the bestie from her annual Fourth of July bash with other important friends. For the writer, the weekend is a rare chance to bond with longtime friends. Enter Julie with her big personality and winning ways; as a guest last year, she was a big hit and was excited to join again. The writer felt overshadowed and overwhelmed, and was looking for an out to uninvite Julie this year and on all future occasions. In a pinch, she asked Wanda and Wayne what she should do.
Well, needless to say, readers had plenty of thoughts. They responded with commentary and made the column one of the most popular Wayne and Wanda columns in months.
For background: Wanda recommended respecting the friendship and embracing the positive energy that Julie brings to the mix, while also finding a balance between hanging out with Julie and finding space apart. Wayne implied the writer was insecure and childish, and quite possibly forgot what the last “F” in BFF stands for; he advised she chill, bring Julie, and have fun.
Reader Amanda K. poked at the headline writers: “Should have read ‘introvert exhausted by extraverted friend’.” Funny, but true. Commenter Rudie A. hit even harder, writing, “Wow. Aren’t you a bit two-faced?” Sarah H. tweeted, “Someone needs to do some self-work and it isn’t ‘Julie.’ ” Misha was also Team Julie, offering an invite to counter the possible uninvite on Twitter: “Julie sounds awesome. (Forget you and your friends) and send her to our party instead!”
Deborah B. sent an email that called out just about everyone but the letter writer: “Wanda and Wayne, you guys have never spent time with someone you love who takes over what before had been a good time. It’s not about having your light dimmed. It is about having someone who hogs everybody’s light.”
Wanda says: Deborah B. makes a good point here. It’s one thing to feel overshadowed. It’s another to truly be overshadowed. We all know that adding new friends into standing social situations can upend the balance and change the dynamics, and it sounds as though adding “Julie” to the mix dramatically altered the overall experience for her friend, and not necessarily for the better. Which leads us to our next commentator, Gabrielle B. …
Gabrielle B. argued that Wayne and Wanda were “unnecessarily uncompassionate … Just because you invite someone one year doesn’t necessarily make it an automatic invite the following year, and just because she ‘nailed it out of the park’ with first impressions doesn’t make her more entitled to come. … I don’t think this person should have to invite people if it’s not going to be as exciting for them — no matter how petty it seems. … If she doesn’t want to share it, you shouldn’t shame her for it. I think forcing her to will make her resent her friend more and cause more damage to the friendship, not to mention damage her other friendships with the group because she will create distance and not enjoy herself.”
However, some felt that the bestie should know her role: She is a guest, not part of the party nucleus, and she is presumptuous in assuming she is included moving forward because she was welcomed once.
Carolyn M. wrote, “This friend had taken it upon herself now to think because she went ONE TIME that she is now part of the group. Well she’s NOT!!! … think the friend SHOULD say something to this pushy friend Very carefully in order to maintain the friendship. However, if she gets angry over this, she needs to remember that guests don’t always get a second invitation.”
Nicole J. offered some refreshing clarity: “Unpopular opinion... tell her the truth. The camping trip is an annual reunion of some of your closest friends and although you had a great time with her last year, you didn’t intend for her to become a permanent attendee. You don’t bring a guest every year because whereas you get to see your guest (her, last year) all the time, you rarely get to see this group of friends — some even fly in from out of state.”
Wayne says: Communication? What a concept! No, seriously. If you have true besties in your life, you should be able to share how you’re feeling, even if it could ruffle feathers or cause some discomfort. A mature friend will listen, process and respond without deflecting, ghosting or freaking out. Hopefully Julie and our writer found some peace and agreement in a nice chat.
Have some further advice on this situation? Some friendship friction? A little relationship rockiness? In-law indigestion? Trouble landing a special someone in a dating pool of quirky catches? Send your troubles to Wanda and Wayne at wanda@adn.com.
[Dear Annie: My friend goes overboard on birthday parties then asks us to pick up part of the bill]
[Ask Sahaj: I resent my sister-in-law because my mom likes her more than me]
[Miss Manners: How do we have our annual party but exclude people that we’ve invited in the past?]