Q: I’m in my 30s, unmarried and pursuing higher education while working. I’ve also had a very turbulent childhood. My Indian parents are always going on about marriage, and I’ve always had to lead a double life with them to hide things. They’ve said that they aren’t happy with me as I haven’t followed the “traditional path.”
My sister-in-law is the same age as me, drinks, and has tattoos, but because she got married “at the right age” and then got pregnant immediately, my mom said verbatim “she won” because she gave her a grandchild. Now she treats her better than me and tells me I should be like her. She even makes comments about how she’s prettier than me. My family loves her because she’s so outgoing. She’s an only child, and it seems like she loves the attention.
I am in therapy but it’s hard. All of this has made me jealous and resentful of my sister-in-law. What should I do?
- Jealous Sister-in-law
A: Your feelings are valid, but I think they’re misdirected. Unless your sister-in-law is actively making you feel bad I would argue this has nothing to do with her. Your mom created the dynamic where your sister-in-law is the “golden child” - who can do no wrong - and you are the “scapegoat” - who can do no right. If it feels as if you’re competing with your sister-in-law for your mom’s love, it’s because your mom has made her love conditional on certain behaviors.
I’d bet that this dynamic existed long before your sister-in-law entered the family. I wonder: Did you feel compared to someone else growing up? A sibling or cousin? A peer of yours? It sounds as if your sister-in-law’s presence has only exacerbated what is probably a historical issue.
Though it’s difficult not to take it personally, your mom’s behavior is not about you; it’s about her. She may hold firmly to her beliefs and values with little room for flexibility. She may struggle with the mind-set that there is only one way to be good or successful and everything else is bad. She may lack the emotional maturity to process complex feelings, which reduces her understanding of relationships. Eastern cultures emphasize the collective which allows people to see themselves as part of a larger group and can lead to an increase in social comparison. This can be a positive and motivating force but when it’s weaponized like this, it can be extremely harmful.
Though it’s unlikely that your mom will change, you can change how you engage and respond to her. This may be decreasing contact with her, walking away or changing the subject when she starts to make comparisons, or creating scripts to have ready. For example, instead of getting defensive, you may say something like: “I hear you’re disappointed I haven’t gotten married or had kids.” This makes it less about you and your sister-in-law and instead focuses on your mom’s feelings. Or, you could say: “I’m glad you feel so close to [sister-in-law]! But when you compare me with her, I feel like you’re not proud of me.” This brings the focus to your relationship with your mom.
Consider talking to your sister-in-law and about this (without your mom). She may notice and be uncomfortable with your mom’s behavior and comparisons, too. An honest conversation could provide insight and increase the compassion and empathy you have for her. This can also serve as protection against your mom’s hurtful comments, helping you feel less isolated in your family. A united front will allow you all to set boundaries with your mom. This may be your sibling (or sister-in-law) saying something like: “It makes me uncomfortable when you compare [sister-in-law] with [your name]. They’re different, and you shouldn’t compare them.”
You mention in your letter that you live a “double life” to hide things from your parents. By doing this, you reject parts of yourself to seek acceptance from your parents. I worry that your sense of self has been reduced to how happy you can make your mom. You have so much to offer beyond this. When you grow up with conditional love, you can struggle to accept all parts of yourself, causing a fractured self-esteem.
Take some time to define “good,” “right,” and “successful” for yourself. By untangling your values and beliefs from your mom’s, you can build confidence and self-compassion. A professional can help you process the feelings of shame, guilt, and self-blame. It’s a painful journey, and it may require you to grieve the love and acceptance you aren’t receiving from your mom.
Remember: What you have been taught to believe about yourself from your mom is not Truth. You can interrogate where these beliefs come from and work toward healthier, kinder, new ones. If you continue to live your life by your mom’s rules, you will continue to feel like you’re not good enough. Your life isn’t wrong or bad because it’s different from what your mom wants.