DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have had a 4th of July party for the past five years. Invitations have always been sent.
This year, I decided not to include a certain group of friends due to a disagreement. My husband wants me to send an email to all of these people telling them that we will not be having the party this year. I disagree.
GENTLE READER: Bad idea, for two reasons.
First, you apparently are giving the party, and once you have done so, it will not remain a secret. You will be lucky if your guests don’t start posting pictures while it is going on.
Second, simply not inviting them is all the “nyah-nyah” that Miss Manners will allow you to have. There is no social form for not inviting people to a party.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Our niece got married secretly in another city, and still intends to have another wedding this summer. Do we have to go to the second wedding, given that they are already married, and didn’t tell us for almost 10 months; we hardly ever hear from them; and when they are in our state, they do not stop to see us?
I told my husband that we have the option not to go because it is a destination wedding, but he feels that we have to go.
GENTLE READER: Does your husband believe that a wedding invitation is a subpoena, and you have no choice but to show up?
As Miss Manners understands your situation, you hardly know these people, don’t particularly care about them or think they care about you, feel that attending would involve inconvenient travel, and anyway, it isn’t really a wedding because the couple got married without you.
So the relevant question is why your husband thinks he needs to attend. If he thinks not doing so would create an unpleasant family rupture, you should talk about the chances of that happening if you merely decline the invitation and send the couple your best wishes. They may have not counted on your attending, and already have a list of people they would like to invite in your place.
To anticipate your husband’s next question: No, you do not then need to send a guilt-assuaging present.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my experience, the person who asks someone on an outing is the one to pay. However, if I am invited somewhere, I am prepared to pay if the need should arise.
My wife’s birthday is coming up, and her parents have invited both of us out to lunch to celebrate. I love them dearly and don’t want them to feel burdened, so I feel I should at least pay for myself, since the celebration is for their daughter and not me.
Is that rude? Am I overthinking?
GENTLE READER: Yes to both: You are overthinking, and in danger of being rude.
Miss Manners sees that you mean to be generous. But there are ways of doing that -- such as inviting your in-laws out on another occasion -- without hijacking their invitation and suggesting that they might begrudge feeding you.